I was originally going to use this post to dissect the music and words of Josh Ritter's song The Temptation of Adam from his album The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter. I've posted a video above of him playing it by himself. Lately I've been listening to it a lot and have really grown to have a lot of respect for his songwriting. He seems to have this ability to write songs and combine words in a way that is very artfully crafted and has a unique way of describing situations and feelings. It allows the listener to really understand what was going on in his head or the characters head at the time. In this case it is a hypothetical situation wherein two people get trapped in a missile silo during wartime and are unable to leave. Due to their close proximity and general situation they end up getting together and falling for each other. Although as Josh so eloquently describes, the man is afraid and nearly certain that their love would never have half-life on the surface and so he has his thumb above the button because he is completely happy being with her and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I just really like the lyrics, the whole situation that he creates, and the music itself and guitar stylings is great. I'm not quite sure exactly why but in my head I always compare this song with the movie Inglorious Basterds. It must be because it takes place during WWII and has similarities with characters and ... frankly I'm not sure why but I like it. I love that movie and I love this track and forever in my head they will be married together.
The other day I was reading a chapter in Chuck Klosterman's book IV and stumbled upon a chapter that I found really interesting. I think the reason why I found it so interesting is because the latent points being presented in the article are things that I've thought about many times. It covers a few different ideas but the overall umbrella topic is about people being betrayed by culture. The chapter starts off with a quote from a British essayist, Edward M. Forster, who once wrote, "If I had to choose between betraying my country or betraying my friend, I hope I have the guts to betray my country." As Klosterman says, if we've learned anything about dead British essayists they make better drinking buddies than spies. Anyway, going back to my point [and Klosterman's] ... if we took this question and flipped it around and asked: What depresses you more - being "betrayed" by an individual or being "betrayed" by your own society?
Why is it that people always feel the need to inflict their thoughts on other people? There is a disconnect between how people exist in the world and how they think the world is supposed to exist. People can't accept the important truth about being alive. As Klosterman explains: "Culture can't be wrong". It doesn't always mean it's right, nor does it mean you always have to agree with it. People can be wrong, and movements can be wrong. But culture - as a whole - cannot be wrong ... it's just there.
For some reason people always not only hold their values; but they want their values to win. And this is the wrong mindset and probably the reason why people get betrayed by art, consumerism, and culture. As Klosterman says, and basically what my whole point and the things I think about are, is that if you want to be happy, don't get pissed off that people who aren't you happen to think Paris Hilton is interesting and deserves to be on TV every other day. This is Chuck's example obviously. But, the point is, in this example, the fame surrounding Paris Hilton is not a reflection on your life, unless you want it to be. This is your life and this is your world, no one elses. Your feelings about culture, what TV shows you like, what bands you listen to, it's not a universal consensus, it's your opinion and no one elses. If you let it get to you ... that's when you feel betrayed. And it will be your own fault. You will feel bad, and you will deserve it [Klosterman said that]. As Chuck explains, if you disagree then you are probably someone who thinks you're an idealistic [A person who wants to inflict their values on the way other people think; their disappointment with culture latently proves that they're tragically trapped by their own intellect and good taste]. They think their betrayal gives them integrity, it does not.
If you really have integrity you will live life by your own ideals, and those ideals dictate how you engage with the world at large - you will never be betrayed by culture. You will simply enjoy culture more because you will find it interesting that people watch Paris Hilton's show. If there is a review for an album or a movie that you really like and its reflected thoughts are different than yours - you will care, but you won't care. Because you're not wrong, and neither are they, or the rest of the world. You just accept that those two things aren't really connected. And that is something I think about regularly. I think being conscious of those thoughts and living your life on a day-to-day basis with that in mind can lead to much greater happiness. If you live your life the way you want, that is all that absolutely matters. Those other things don't have to have an impact on how happy you are, because your core beliefs will always be with you, and no one can change that. People will try, but you don't have to let them in if you don't want. And you have the right to listen or not. Case in point, I was at a friend's house a few weekends ago and we were sitting around playing cards, listening to music, and having a lot of laughs. I had a great time actually. I hadn't laughed that much in a while. Anyway, I had my iPod playing and had Dr. Dog on random. One of my friends, who apparently hadn't ever listened to Dr. Dog before, asked "Who is this?", "His voice is terrible". My other friend looked at me as if I should have some kind of horrible reaction and then proceed to have some kind of fit and alternating conversation about how awesome they are and how wrong he is. But I didn't. I just accepted his opinion and kept playing cards. Now this little situation I just spent several sentences describing may not seem like anything, but inside I consciously thought about everything that I [and Klosterman] explained earlier in this post, and that is that not everyone has to like Dr. Dog. I love them. There is no doubt about that. But not everyone has to like them. Who knows, maybe he'll like them in the future if he listens to them more. Maybe not. But it doesn't really affect my world, unless I let it. And in that instance, I chose not to let it. And I think by consciously making that decision in my head I made the right move. Let's look at if I would have made the other decision. I would have started a pointless argument that would be resulted in raised voices, back-and-forths about something that doesn't even matter, because at the end of the conversation he'll still have the same opinions and so will I. And that is what life is all about. It's what makes things and conversations so interesting. And you only have to let it get to you if you want.
I think this is a key to happiness that a lot of people don't realize. It seems really simple, but in life it can take many forms. My friends and I like to say that those people "get it". It's that ability to take a step back and think about things in a different way. Some people get so caught up in little things, creating arguments and negative vibes for no reason. For example, my [defunct] soccer coach has such an argumentative and negative tone-of-voice every time he talks. Everything he says comes out like he's yelling at you, or arguing with you, and I think it's this exact thing that has torn our soccer team apart. We're not a cohesive team because he just yells at everyone all the time. This leads to blame, not taking responsibility, and focusing on the wrong ideals. Now right there I touched on a few things that don't have anything to do with a "tone of voice" but somehow, as a reflection of that and a conversational tone, it leads to things like a lack of responsibility, blaming others, and not focusing on the right things. Why is that?
You'd be amazed at the difference little things can make day-to-day; being polite and always using please's and thank-you's. Looking people in the eye and smiling. How many times have you gone through the line at the grocery store and not even looked the cashier in the eyes? Next time look them right in the eyes and give them a smile, most likely you'll get a smile back and you'll both feel better. It's things like this coupled with the conscious ways of thinking I talked about earlier that can really make a difference. I find all of these little nuggets and facets of life really interesting, and I love thinking and talking about them. I miss talking about things like this with my friends from back home. I find that I don't have many friends who can talk about things like this like we used to ... either because they don't care or they just "don't get it".
On that note I'm going to finish that thought and leave this post with a few images from this really cool blog I found yesterday called letters to dead people.
Tomorrow Never Knows is a phrase that will live with me for the rest of my life, literally. It is three words that have been etched into the surface of my skin on the underside of my right forearm. It is also a phrase that will always be true because we never know what's going to happen. I think that is one of the aspects of my life that is so exciting and to others kind of scary. For those less fortunate and those more fortunate than others, what tomorrow brings may be very different. But it's that element of surprise that keeps us going. Of course we're all hoping that tomorrow brings all great things that will improve our already flourishing lives. I don't think I could have ever predicted some of the things that have happened and that is really exciting to me. There are a few things that I could name right now, right here, this morning as I type out this post [which is my first in nearly eight months] in my sun-drenched bedroom with an iced coffee next to me and a Nick Drake track playing on my iTunes, that I hope to come true. A few things that I am finding necessary in my day-to-day life that would improve my well being profoundly. But like John Lennon [or more accurately Ringo Starr] said, Tomorrow Never Knows.
The last few months I've occasionally popped onto here and started typing out some words. As I read over their ridiculous configuration of letters and meanings I quickly abandoned any effort of writing some thoughtful paragraph comeback that would make up for my absence from writing on this blog. Although not that many people read this, I wasn't doing it for them, I was doing it for me. And from the time I started this thing to now a lot has changed. Like, a lot. My core is still the same, I won't ever lose/change that. But everything else pretty much has. I went through an interesting time trying to hack it in New York City. It changed me for the better and helped me understand a lot of things about life, happiness, and what's important. I traveled with empty pockets but a big heart from NYC to Baltimore to start a new career and life with my sister. Although slightly devastated from having a playground of five boroughs and 13 million people to a working class city with less than a million people and sharing a small row home [and the same bathroom] with my sister. But it was a great transition and I started a new career. I learned to love Baltimore for it's qualities that are unique and that I now miss. Living with a sibling isn't the easiest but I don't think we could have done it any better. An already established relationship and co-respect for each others styles and personalities, we made it work like the best of them. After a year's worth of trials and tribulations with starting a new career, working part-time at a local bar, relationships come and gone, and lacking a set of true friends, somehow another opportunity opened its door.
Yesterday never knew tomorrow had Texas in mind but somehow this was the foreshadowing of the next chapter that is my life. And here we are... one year later, another year in another city in another state, still by myself, still slightly lonely, and still trying to figure it out. Although there is one front that is being established now better than ever before, there are still others that I'm trying to find. I'd say the three cards in my hand that I want to be all aces would be a good career, a solid set of great friends [local], and a girlfriend. I have one of the three. I am on the hunt for the other two.
... I'm not quite sure why I stepped away from writing for so long. I think at first I was getting caught up in living in the South, hanging out with work friends, lounging by the pool, and thinking I was really cool. I've always used this blog to write out the things that were bothering me. And maybe at the time there wasn't anything bothering me or that I felt that I needed to talk about. But as we all know there are "honeymoon" phases and things change. At the time I had a roommate that I palled around with that, if I could still be his roommate here with everything now being a constant, I would. My current state of life is or would be probably quite boring. I would say my life right now and most of my energies are focused on my career. It's sad but I think during the weeks right now I am "peaking" at work. The weekends are a time for me to spend by myself running at the park, reading, catching up on rest, watching movies, doing stuff with and around my apartment, and getting ready for the upcoming work week. I have not been very social with my cohorts and, for the most part, it's okay with me. I've been trying to get out of the habit of constantly hanging out with people from work, and getting drunk. I feel it's not the best thing for me and am really trying to break out of the habit of hanging out with work people and meet new people, establish new friends, find a girlfriend, and have a separate life. Tomorrow never knows but right now that separate life is me doing things for myself, with myself, and my music. And I'm okay with that.
You should go to Ted.com and check out some of the videos that are on there. They are some of the most interesting people with incredible ideas... I've been watching a lot of these videos as well as reading. Now that I am on my own I am more coherent to what I should be doing, and how to keep myself well. Everything in balance. I am thinking about becoming a weekday vegetarian, what do you think? There is a video on Ted.com about it.
It is through the struggle to find our own sense of direction and the acknowledgment of our own ignorance that we find true meaning. Part of that meaning is the understanding that the fulfilling journey is one that is completely personal and subjective, but at the same time inherently connected to everything surrounding us.
I am at the local coffee house in Baltimore right now. When I used to live here I always wanted to come down and hang out, grab a coffee, and catch up on reading, exploring, and writing on the interwebs. For some reason I never did. I don't know why. I always stayed at the desk in my room and just thought about going down and doing that. Now that I am no longer a Maryland resident I am down here hanging out. I have an iced coffee, music playing in my ears (DRA) and have been catching up on some work emails and reading.
It's weird to be back for the first time in almost four months. It's all still here it's just that I am not. There are a lot of things that I really dig about this place and that I will miss. I think it will be good and will be a nice place to come visit when I am traveling. It's interesting how cities can differ so much in what's going on, what kind of people live there, and the feeling you get when you are there. Houston and Baltimore are two very different cities. Each have an appeal that I like, each one lacking things that I want in my life too. I still don't know what I want, where I belong. Who I belong with? I don't know, I am just starting the next chapter of this weird crazy life and hoping for the best. I'm starting to get a little nervous on how this chapter will write itself. Because I don't know. I feel like I am just here for the ride and taking one step at a time. The south is different and I like that. I strive for a lot of difference in my life. I feel like I'm always trying to be different, doing things differently, trying to be retro or interesting. Is it still cool if it's a conscious decision to be that way? I was reading Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and he said something interesting that made me question myself... he said he hates when people describe themselves as "artsy" or "creative" because then they are just trying to personify something that is just the way people are. The people who really are artsy or creative don't say that about themselves... they just are. And I have to admit I like to think of myself as a creative person... am I just a fake? I don't know, maybe a little bit. I still do it though.
I find things that I like and I stick to them. I really enjoy being on my own. I love my family very much but I'm 25 and ready to explore. Find out where I belong and what I'm supposed to be doing. I need to meet new people and try new things, I have this passion for putting myself out there to it. It doesn't scare me. It excites me... and I want to keep doing it. I have many friends that have come and gone in my life, there are too many to count that have faded into memories of past fun, and that's all. It's just a fact of life and I can embrace that. I guess the difficult ones are the ones that you still see, or want to see, or try to see, and it's just different. What can you do? nothing. You just gotta live. I question myself a lot I think. I feel like on one hand I'm very proud of myself and have self confidence but on the other I worry about what people think, if they think I'm doing a good job, and then it makes me question myself and my actions. Like right now, I worry about the people at work and if they think I'm doing my job well, if I make the right decisions and communicate properly, if they are looking to push me out or hate working with me. I mean, if they did they would say something right? I don't know. I've noticed there is a lot of people around that like to talk, and I don't want to be the one being talked about. It worries me, you know? I have this overwhelming desire to be liked, and respected for the person I am and the kind of work I do... I want to make it count. And right now, being away from the office for a whole week, I feel like I am way out of it and disconnected. Everything goes on like it did before. Whether I am there or not. So, I don't know why, it makes me question myself. I've just had a flood of interesting feelings lately since I've come back to the Northeast for the first time in a while. I spent a few days in Pennsylvania at my parents house where I grew up, and the smells and surroundings just fill me up with all of these crazy feelings and emotions. It's not bad, just interesting. I don't want my family to think I am abandoning them by moving to Texas, and I think they understand. I'm not not looking back... it's just a new chapter and they know that. I just am ready to start living my life, it's happening. It's always happening all around us. I think there are some people that need to make sure they have their priorities in order and understand that we are here to enjoy each other's company while we're here, while we're alive, because we're only here for a short period, so lets enjoy and not worry about petty things.
I think that this is going to be a good turn. I think that I will become more of myself than I ever have before. I will be able to discover the thing that I've been wanting.. and that is to be my own person and the best one at that. To figure it out... to understand what it is, and who I am. This all sounds like deep stuff but we think about it every day. At least I do, most people probably don't though. If you are reading this then I'd like you to. Take a step back and think about what it's all about, and maybe it will make you do some things differently. I remember when, when I first moved here, a long time ago, ´cause I heard some song I used to hear back then, a long time ago. I remember when, even further back, in another town, ´cause I saw something written I used to say back then, hard to comprehend.
And the question is, was I more alive then than I am now? I happily have to disagree; I laugh more often now, i cry more often now, I am more me.
Life has a certain ability of breathing new life into me, so I breathe it in. It says here we are, and we all are here, and you still can make sense, if you just show up and present an honest face, instead of that grin.
And the other day, this new friend of mine said something to me "just because something starts differently, doesn't mean it's worth less." and I soaked it in, how I soaked it in, how I soaked it in and just as to prove how right he was, then you came. so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give you a try, so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give you a try...
This is my first photobooth picture session in a long time. I actually haven't used the Photoshop on my MacBook in a really long time (I've just been using my version on my computer at work (for work stuff.... blah)). I took the afternoon off from work to take care of arranging the moving company to get all of my stuff from the Northeast down to my new apartment in Houston. Speaking of the new apartment... I get my keys tomorrow and start moving in! I am extremely excited to move into my own place, I also have furniture being delivered in Saturday as well. I think I'm going to be purchasing a new LED TV then as well, so some exciting stuff is happening right now! I am really looking forward to making this place my own, it's going to be super cool. I'm going to paint one of my walls with chalkboard paint so it'll look a little something like this:
Tomorrow night I am going to see the band Phoenix and then on Sunday is the first of three Dr. Dog shows I am going to!! Life is pretty good right now, to be honest, and am very grateful for the people I have around me. I am going to miss my buddy Trevor who is heading back to Toronto tomorrow. We have basically spent every day together for the past three months so it's going to definitely be an adjustment to my lifestyle. We go to work together, then work together and talk all day, then head home together and grab dinner together, hang out together, listen to music, talk about music, girls, fashion, everything. It's been a great relationship since I've known him. I'm so glad that we were placed together. I don't think it could have worked out any better. He's such an easy going cool dude... most if not all Canadians I've met are awesome people. Why is that??? All I can say is that look out passport, you are getting renewed soon, and I am going to Toronto, Canada for the first time, and not the last time, in my life. We are having a big last night throw down for him tonight at our regular hang out bar place near us. Everyone will be there. It's going to be a blast. An appropriate goodbye for the Muckle Man.
I am doing some laundry, going to grab some dinner, and finish up a few things before the night begins. Right now I'm listening to Nada Surf on vinyl and drinking some green tea. I just made a pot of coffee and threw it in a pitcher to cool down in the ice box. Mmmm for some tasty iced coffees. Speaking of coffees I found this super cool indie cafe / coffee shop in the Montrose area of Houston that Trevor and I went to the other night. The menu is great, really good healthy items, lots of veggies and stuff, and great coffee drinks. Cool vibe, good music, neat area. I think I'm finding my spots in this new city of mine...
This has to be the longest lag in posts I've done since I started this thing a few years ago. I am nearing my 3 month mark here in Houston, TX and that also means my time here for the bootcamp is over as well. I am moving into my own apartment at the end of this week, on Friday, so I'm very excited for that. I have been keeping busy with work, always something happening, some fire to put out. Because it is the end of the 3 month period my roommate Trevor is going back to Canada and it's been great, he will definitely be missed. I'd like to plan a trip to visit him in Toronto later this summer.
I'm writing on here to get back to it. To get back to writing it out, thinking about things, and expressing thoughts. I am definitely guilty of ignoring it. Not putting the time in. I hope to have more time to focus on things once I get out of this apartment and into my own place. I spend nearly every minute with Trevor doing things, so Tomorrow Never Knows ends up being an afterthought once things happen that I'd like to write about. It's not like I need to make excuses to you why I don't write on here, but I do anyway. I mean, I'm not sure if anyone will even read this anyway. But yet I still do it. It's like books. I like them. I like to like them. I want to be a person who reads books. Is knowledgeable about stuff in books, but I have a hard time staying interested in it the whole way through. I have about two or three books that I've started and haven't finished. After I finish on here I'm going to lay in bed and pick one back up.
I always try to do better for myself, and to be honest, I've done okay. I'm better than I was. But still not perfect. Things are good though and will only keep getting better. So in closing, lets stay in touch, I will do better to talk it out.
I went to bed last night pretty early, probably about 9:30pm or 10. I put on this new piano album I got by Akira Kosemura that is really soft and relaxing. I woke up a while later to some other music playing (what was after that album on the iTunes list) and realized that the album worked pretty well. Also intermittently there were flurries of text message and phone calls that woke me up as well. I'm sitting at the dining room table with some of the windows open and blinds open; kind of a dreary day - overcast, slightly chilly, perfect day to be spent inside a brewery drinking local, fresh beer and making jokes with friends! Good! Because that's what we're doing this afternoon. I am proud to say that I think my stomach is in OK condition to perform this activity. It has been an uncomfortable last week and a half with this stomach bug that I've had. It sidelined me for a while and gave me a chance to relax and let some of the things that has been happening really cement itself in my head. I'm not going to say that I'm questioning my decision to stay in Houston, because I'm not, but I am saying that I've allowed myself to really think about the situation and what the pros and cons are. What living in the Northeast really means to me, what my life in Baltimore offers me, and then what excitement and opportunities are available here in the Gulf Coast. Of course there are pros and cons to everything. But, as you know me, I am always looking for that new adventure and new people, new places, new experiences. And I think this is it. And you know what? In a few years I could really have moved up in this company. Also, I can drive to California wayyyy quicker from here than Maryland, ever think about that!?
I woke up this morning with a flash of inspiration and life that I always look forward to on Saturday mornings, unless I'm hungover. It's that feeling of being well rested, having spent the previous night relaxing your bones after a long week, doing something for yourself and no one else. The feeling of being able to wake up whenever it is that you actually wake up, and not because you have to. Your body just wakes up and then you know it's time. And the feeling of not having to actually go anywhere or do anything. That is the feeling. So I woke up, brushed my teeth, used the bathroom [TMI?], and threw on the first vinyl of the morning. I went with whatever was in there at the time, because it's always easier to just drop the needle than think about things, and so that happened to be The Ruby Suns new album, which is okay, not as good as the previous two albums. I went to the kitchen and made a pot of real Mexican coffee from Mexico, gladfully given to me by my sister. I don't think gladfully is a word because there is a red line under it but I want to use it anyway. While I was in the kitchen doing this I got that splash of inspiration and instantly went into cooking mode. I figured, lets make a real breakfast like real people do. So I chopped up some potatoes, onion, and garlic and threw that in the oven. And defrosted some sausages. And got T to pick up some eggs. And we have toast. So I think that should be pretty good.
I always like when I have time to sit down and actually write something on here. It makes me feel better about things. I'm looking out the window right now and it's like super dark in the distance.. looks like there is a storm coming. Perfect weather for drinking indoors!! You know sometimes you feel guilty for like, drinking indoors or spending time indoors when its super nice out, but today is not one of those days. Supposedly we are leaving in about thirty minutes but I'm unshowered, still cooking breakfast, and not in that mindset yet... so we'll see. I popped in a record that I haven't listened to in a really long time that seems appropriate right now and that is Norah Jones first album.
Well I need to check on things and start to get my act together.
Tonight we go to the rodeo and act like young professionals in our company's Suite box, giddy-up!!
I think the above image is so interesting how it shows the subject within the subject. It throws off your sense of reality for a second and makes you take a step back and think about what is going on. I enjoy things that make you do that. Lately I have been feeling extremely lazy. I caught a stomach bug at the tail end of last week and through the weekend that threw me for a loop. I'm still not one hundred percent. Right now I am just chilling in my room, by myself, with my new Ray Lamontagne vinyl spinning on the turntable (his second album - Till The Sun Turns Black), as you can see pictured above with mwah. It is an excellent record, what can I say? I have his first and third on vinyl and it was only a matter of time before I got this one. Let me tell you, it sounds excellent. But yes, I am really just chilling in my room with the blinds closed down a bit, sheets a ruffled, lights off so only the natural light can illuminate around me, windows slightly open to let fresh air in, shorts and t-shirt on. It's almost 7pm on a Monday night. Kind of a blah Monday, you know? It was not an extremely satisfying day of work.
I've been letting reality sink in a bit. It doesn't really change decision but it has allowed me to connect to those things that are important around me, maybe in places I used to live or closer to home, that are important to me. Those things are not gone. They are still there. They will always be there, I just won't be there right next to them all the time.
That is okay and I am okay with that. I need to take this opportunity as best as I can and make something of it.
I took a nap the other day on a gorgeous sunny afternoon. It was such a nice experience, although I was not feeling very good at the time I still really enjoyed it. I put The Smiths on in the background and let myself sink into the bed around me and fell asleep to the lullaby of amazing 80's British Pop Music... it was really nice. Fortunately I have been getting better and hopefully will be back to one hundred percent soon. I laid by the pool yesterday and read On the Road for a while, it was really nice.
I feel like everything has been a bit blah lately and I'm not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with just the fact that I've been slightly ill. I also feel like things have been a little stagnant and need some new things to do. Some new projects at work. Some new friends to hang out with. Or some new places to go with my current friends. Unfortunately one of my cohorts here that has grown into a friend will be leaving in a few weeks to go back to his company. Most of us have grown pretty close and that is really awesome. We grilled out by the pool over the weekend and everyone chipped in to help. It's just been one of those weeks I guess... I haven't written on here too much which I must apologize for. Sometimes I find it to be more and more difficult to keep up with it. It's a shame I can't make a blog posting by thought because I swear, I'll be driving down the street or have headphones in and I'll hear a set of lyrics and it'll trigger something in my head that I want to say, or an idea I've had that I want to express, or just something and I want to write about it then and there and I always say to myself, oh well I'll remember and I never really do. And if the page isn't up in my browser or there for me to constantly look at and see that I haven't posted in a while, sometimes I won't do it. Sometimes, a lot of times, it is in the back of my head that I haven't said anything in a while and I'm too damn lazy to do it. Or it's not that I'm lazy, because I actually do want to, but it takes something inside of you to actually do it. It is so much easier not to do it. You know?
That's not just blog posting but life in general. Lets try to steer away from that and do the unexpected, go that pace and do something really cool because I want to see it.
Well I never pray but tonight I'm on my knees I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me I let the melody shine let it cleanse my mind I feel free now But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now...