Saturday, May 30, 2009

Saturday Night Fever

In each of us, two natures are at war
- the good and the evil.
All our lives the fight goes on between them,
and one of them must conquer.
But in our own hands
lies the power to choose
- what we want most to be
we are.

I received a letter in the mail today from my grandmother.
This came as quite the surprise because I wasn't expecting anything and it was kind of nice. So I opened it and found the napkin pictured above with this little saying on it. She had spent some time in my old stomping grounds (NYC) and happened to get this napkin at Jekyll & Hyde Club which is this funky theatrical kind of a place to eat, in midtown. It was cool - I liked it. It was nice to get the letter and that she was thinking of me when she saw that napkin and took the time to send it to me.

I'm home resting my bones tonight on this perfect Saturday night because I spent the better part of the morning and afternoon helping some friends-by-association move. Dude I'll be honest, it was exhausting. Lots of heavy lifting, maneuvering, sweating, plenty of water, a quick sandwich, and a few beers later and I am home with atrophic muscles and tired bones. So I'm straight up hanging out tonight. I've been laying on my bed and listening to the new Dave Matthews Band album which is coming out soon (you can listen to the whole thing at Pandora). I'm not sure how I feel about it. Right now I'm listening to old DMB albums because I haven't in a long time and man do we ever have a history together. It feels good going down, it's true.

Also earlier I went for a walk with earbuds in down towards the water. The goal of this journey was to stop at this recreational facility that's real close to the water with the hopes of getting more information on how to get onto a soccer team. Well I did this and I didn't really find out any information but I was sent in the right direction. I was given a pamphlet with a dudes phone number that I'm supposed to call next week. And I will do this and hopefully it will lead to something happening. I keep getting these phone numbers to call and no results so wish me luck yo.

things that make me happy:

a perfect night outside right now with my door to the deck wide open
listening to a DMB show from 9-20-1992
my van gogh print behind my bed
the free iced coffee from starbucks this morning
i've gotten to talk to my best friend more in the last couple days then the last few months combined
finishing one of my new books the other night
going on walks by myself with earbuds in
vinyl records
my macbook

that's it.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

She & Him

Speak slowly, I can't hear you
My mind keeps spinning closer
and closer to the rain on the roof,
And the rain in my head,
and the things that you said
People take it further ahead
And it just gets so foggy
It's nowhere in here
And its everywhere else that I don't wanna be,
But I'm stuck here getting misty over you
I'm alone on a bicycle for two.

Remember when you were a kid and you never thought you'd be an adult, or be one of those older people. It just wasn't for you. Now that it's here sometimes I'm so caught up in what I'm doing or what I'm trying to find that I don't just stop and look around me. You know, try and look at yourself from an outside perspective on the whole situation. I was doing this the other while whilst in a morning production meeting at my commercial printing facility job. I mean first of all, I work at a commercial printing facility which is basically a manufacturing plant that houses 80 people that are all older than me by over 15 years except for two? WTF - how did I get here? It kind of reminds me of the Talking Heads song. Anyway so I was sitting at this meeting and I'm surrounded by all of the most important people in the building. All the managers of the different departments, our president, vice president, operations manager, etc., they're all here. The mix of personalities is hilarious and I feel like I'm the only one who notices it, except for my fellow associate next to me who notices it too. Dude it's freakin' funny the way people bicker about everything, give each other silent jabs, and just get all riled up over anything and everything. So this morning it was all happening around me and I was just sitting there taking it all in. I looked at the situation from afar in a different perspective and thought to myself sitting there, how the hell did you get here!? Did you ever picture yourself being where you are now? The kind of person you are now? Doing what you are doing now and looking like you do? I'll be the first to say that I didn't. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going. I never really thought about it very much - usually just looking at the short term goals/responsiblities and figuring things will happen as they should. Well they did and now I am someone very different than when I was a child. That doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing... it is the way it is. Sometimes you need to just take a step back to take it all in. It might help you make decisions to stear you in the right direction. I'm not sure if this has quite happened yet for me but I'm hoping that some things come to light to make it all seem worth while. Until then I am really just going day to day just trying to make it through that day with no real effort or idea as to what I want to do or how to keep myself happy.

I wish you could have more control over certain situations. A lot of things just happen and there isn't really much you can do about it. There are certain things going on right now in my head and situations in real life that I really wish I could change or could have made happen differently. But you can't and it's being able to accept it, move on, and keep an open heart and mind that makes you who you are and takes you where you need to go.

I know I've been asking myself all these things a lot lately (what both paragraphs talk about). A year ago I never would have foreseen the events of the last eight months. It can be a mindfuck sometimes and if you don't keep a level mind and let things register right, it can really fuck you up. I remember when I was younger not really understanding why life was so difficult and why people would get depressed or kill themselves. I'm starting to understand why and the feelings that you get that can make you do things that you never thought you would have before. I feel like I'm doing pretty well so far and at least acknowledging these things which helps put it all into perspective. I'm not saying it's all good in the hood but it's a phase and I can accept that. I think the events and build up of the last couple years (since graduating college) is really hitting home and becoming real. For awhile I was able to float along, kind of relying on other things to keep my mind busy or this and that. But it's not like that anymore. I'm at the point where I'm making the decisions and steering the boat in the direction for where I want to go. The problem is where am I going?

OK so no more deep stuff. As large would say, glass half full shit. It's Thursday already which is awesome because we had Monday off. Even though I'm working and have a salary I seem to not have any money. It all has places to go and bills to pay.... trying to keep myself afloat. I'm trying to get my kicks these days from simple sources - like books, my computer, and music, going for walks, doing things outside. There's this feeling that you get when you live on your own, by yourself, doing your own thing. When you live at home you feel the opposite of this. When you live by yourself or with roommates who are friends or strangers you feel it completely. I sit somewhere in the middle of these. Which can be quite confusing and a mindfuck too. It's really difficult to describe but it's more of a feeling than anything else, with a pinch of obligation and a dash of increased pressures. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I don't have room for that but I'm merely speaking my mind and if things were in the optimal situation or things would have worked out differently then I would still be NYC and other situations bothering me would be different too. But things happen as they do and here we are. The trick is to listen to Dave Matthews and make the best of whats around. So I will conclude by saying that I will try harder to do this and make the things that I want to happen happen.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Bad Moon Rising

Can you taste the irony? Just as I remark on my blog posting keep-up abilities I take a hiadus for a few days. Maybe that was a subconcious move on my part. I guess I have some updates that aren't crazy big or important but it's things in my life and it's my blog so I will share it. I went on an excursion by myself earlier this week to the inner harbor. My destination was the barnes & noble and the purpose was to acquire Ryan Adam's first book, infinity blues, that came out a few months ago. While I was there perusing, which has become a new favorite thing to do, I picked up that other pictured above. It's been interesting so far, both of them. Further updates to come as more pages turn and words sink into my brain.

While walking home that night (which I ended up having to park mad far away from where I wanted to be and the whole adventure didn't really turn out as planned don't you hate when that happens when you want to do something with yourself and in your mind you think how nice it's going to be and then it turns out that nothing really goes as planned and instead of being quite a calming enjoyable experience it actually isn't so) I walked past this building that was lit up with 3 letters and a heart in the second spot.

It spelled... L O V E.

I had never seen it before and it was nice to see. I don't know what the building is for but there seemed to be some modern art type objects around it.

I went for a walk tonight when I got back from Annapolis and after a nice nap. A Jackson Browne song came on in my ears and I kept it on. I haven't listened to the song in a long time and I recall never really actually listening to the lyrics. Don't you love when you find something new about something that has been in your life for a long time that you never really knew or recognized before? Well I listened intently as I strolled up the sidewalk from the moon-lit bay in the direct of the house. This set of lyrics struck me and since it's so fresh I'm not quite sure what it means to me yet.

It's a low road, a high wire going from me to you
And in your eyes the distance left is closing
I've got a feeling in my oceans
Blood underneath my skin
That into your bright fields this prison is opening

This afternoon was spent in Annapolis, which is an old historic boating town that is right on the water (obviously) and very cool. I had never been so it was cool to check out a new area (about thirty minutes from where I live). We went on a 40-minute boat ride around the area which was nice and felt really good. That is where the bay picture is from up there - taken via iPhone.

I hope this day finds you well as you read this. In my world right now it's 11:10pm on Saturday and I think I will go up and read for a bit and hit the sheets.

OK night.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I was on a pretty good run there I think for posts every day, I missed one yesterday unfortunately... shattering all expectations upon me. Haha yeahhhh right - no one even noticed. Anyway life has been alright the last few days. It's Tuesday so ya know. I made it through Monday so that's the most important thing. It's half way through Tuesday which means tomorrow is all that much closer and it's Wednesday which means halfway through the week so we're getting closer to Thursday which kind of means the fun begins. You get to start to let loose a bit Thursday evenings. I have been actively looking to meet some new people and so hopefully things will start looking up soon, I think it's already starting to happen. Like i said a little bit ago... I have moved on to the acceptance stage in regards to past friends and lovers so I am putting myself in a better and more open position to move forward. One good thing is I got to see a lot more of Baltimore and the downtown areas over the weekend which was a long time coming. I forget if I told you about this before but we went to Brewer's Art which is a real cool Belgium style bar/restaurant and just got a drink to check it out. It is in the Mount Vernon area of the city which is the art/cultural district and was the first time I'd been there and I totally dug it. It seems like a real cool area to explore and hang out. Luckily I have kind of met a new friend who I work with who just happens to live in this area soooooo I'm going to try and go out with him sometime soon.

I look quite much like a grizzly adams mountain man lumberjack today. I have a red and black plaid shirt on and have
been growing a beard over the past two weeks. It's coming in nicely and making me happy at the moment. It's making me feel unique and actually I kind of feel like a hipster a little bit. You know - plaid shirt, beard, I got these bigger sunglasses from Sound Garden a little bit ago, I've been doing a lot of manual labor and fixing furniture and things around work so are you getting the picture I'm painting??? Yeah, that. I'm going through my "production rotation" so I can get away with it I think... although things are not so organized around here so I'm currently at an in between stage and falling through the cracks, what's new right!?

Well that's what I've got in me right now. TTYL.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


This is me. I'm watching ace of cakes on the food network. I just got back from a walk. This afternoon I checked out the bike race in Patterson park and met up with an old friend that was in it. I haven't showered in over two days. It's pretty chilly outside. I think I have a crush on the girls on ace of cakes because they are indie and remind me of the hipsters from Brooklyn. I had a pretty good weekend overall. Interesting things occurred and had a nice mix of spending time by myself and also out as well. I also think Duff (the main guy in ace of cakes) seems pretty cool and has a nice set of facial hair so he's entertaining as well. I'm not that crazy about cakes or deserts in general but the show is much more than that.

Let's see, I'm trying to change my point of view on everything. For the last bit of while my focus has been on trying to either hold on to what I have or the past and not really accepting the present. You know, it's easier to try to hold onto old friends, even though it doesn't really work out too well, or old gfs, even though that doesn't really work out too well either. I don't know, it's just so much easier to do that than to accept the present and what you should focus your efforts on. This could be just a temporary mindset because I've had a good day so far and have really been enjoying my walks and listening to tunes and looking at things. I don't know, it's all just becoming so real and now. You know? I'm not in NY anymore, I'm just not with Suz anymore, old friendships are exactly what they are - old and nearly impossible. It is time to look to the future and move on. It's difficult to accept, you know? Because you don't want to, it's not like it's a choice, it just happens and you either have to deal with it and move on or dwell. I've been dwelling and not dealing. The show is over and nothing else is on TV so I through on garden state to watch the secnond half of it because I'd started it a few weeks ago and only watched the first half. I want to go to the book store and get some new books. I don't wnat to go to a big store book store though, I'd rather go to a local book shop with unique people and books and ideas. I miss the strand in nyc. Or was that just because I enjoyed the process of getting there and walking down 4th ave better?

It is 7:20 and another work week starts in the morning (blah) so I definitely need to shower, maybe do some reading, eat some dinner or something, and yeah.

so have a good evening and I will try as well.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

It is such a strange period in my life right now.
I am at the same time extremely happy and depressed. I just went for a long walk by myself through the neighborhood, the square, down to the water, and back. I had my headphones on and listening to my music on random. Lately I've been really enjoying these walks by myself, just me and my music. I really love to see the surroundings, the water, see what people are up to, the bars with people eating on the sidewalk, people out mingling and enjoying themselves. I get this strange comfort being alone with my music and just soaking it all in.

It's nice not to have anyone you have to please or accommodate. To worry about or oblige. That's why I've been lately kind of being a little out of it, maybe distant from the conversation, pulling back from things.
But yea to my point before... it's strange, I walk around today and feel very happy with my surroundings, where I'm at, walking around outside listening to music, thinking about things and what the future could have in store and what the potentials are, and how grateful I am for how everything has turned out (so far). But at the same time I am incredibly depressed and feel as if I'm in a rut and struggling for social sanity. I came back to the house from my walk with feelings of being alive and refreshed and walked inside to a dark, stingy, tepid environment. I don't know why but it just totally knocked me down a few notches.

When I have my music playing in my ears and pleasant surroundings to look at and make me think about I am totally in my place. I dont know what it is about it. I feel invincible. That may sound dumb but I'm cutting myself off from outside disturbances and letting me wholey focus on visual and musically aural stimuli that seem to blend to create my own soundtrack to the movie that is my life. That may sound soooo completely cheesy or something and I didn't mean to make it come off like that but I'm not hitting the delete button to reword it. I'm going to keep typing because I'm in a groove.... it's true though, I like it a lot. For me there's a big difference between sitting in your room, living room, or your house and listening to music and then being out walking around or something with headphones in. That's why I loved walking down the streets, being in the subway, etc in NYC with my iPod on and earbuds in. It was this incredible soundtrack to my daily activities that depending on the song or the mood, the weather, my pace or what I was wearing, completely changed how I was feeling. It could change by song to song but the beauty is if you're not feelin' it then you just go to the next song! There's a strange comfort and satisfaction to it all and I'm going to hold onto it for a long time.

This is bad picture but I'm putting it here anyway because I don't feel like doing another one. It is Saturday - 11:56 AM - just about to break noon. I made a playlist in iTunes called My Favs and it's awesome. It's like a little over 200 songs that are [wait for it..] all my favorite tracks by any artist in general. Needless to say it's very enjoyable. Right now Tangerine is playing (the Led Zeppelin track). Last night I saw The Shins play downtown in Bmore and it was a very good show. It's overcast skies outside. I'm hungry and probably should eat some food soon. Yesterday was a weird day for food intake because I just kind of picked for each meal. Like just had some cheese n crackers, spinach n artichoke dip, random stuff. I guess it must have been satisfying enough; my lunch yesterday was not veyr filling though. I have some pics that I took with my iPhone that I've been meaning to put on here. I guess now is a better time than any to do it.

(Shins show from last night...)

(taken at Max's on Broadway...)

I took this picture at Max's whilst playing trivia upstairs. You might be wondering why I would take a picture such as this. Sometimes while I'm at trivia I am not really paying attention to the things going on around me and find myself daydreaming about things. One of the recurring thoughts is this: you see that window with the glow of street lights reflecting off the cobblestone street as it glistens from the rain coming down? I always look out that window and extrapolate myself from the current situation and feel like I'm in England and am in a different situation with different people doing different things and living a different life. I mean maybe not necessarily all those different things but definitely in a different place. I just stare out that window and think that it looks like I'm looking out on a cobblestone street in London. It gets me really excited inside and I try to drink my pint and look out that window and turn off whatever is happening either in my life or the current situation and just think about how that is a London street outside. With the glow of burning street lamps, the unsurprising precipitation setting aglisten the uneven cobblestone grooves, and a pint of beer in my hand. Doesn't that just sound nice? It's fun to think about. For about 2-3-5 minutes I think about this and it gets me excited inside for about those few minutes. Then I snap back into reality with our estranged group of people and losing at trivia and it all comes rushing back....

Friday, May 15, 2009

Moonlight Mile

There is something haunting

in the light of the moon;

it has all the dispassionateness
of a disembodied soul,
and something of its inconceivable mystery.

-Joseph Conrad

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Start to Melt

I have successfully made it through another day at work and it's Thursday night, and tomorrow is Friday. Which means tomorrow is The Shins show!!!! I'm very excited - even though the situation didn't work out quite as planned or hoped, the whole reason I'm going is for the music and so that's my main focus. Delta Spirit is opening for them which is a new band that I've been getting into so I'm anxious to see how well they perform live. The Shins haven't toured in over a year and a half so I think it's a big tour for both the fans and the band.

Today at work I was given much praise for the amount of effort and final outcome of my project to set up the front conference room so that felt nice to get some appreciation and herald. I'm feeling very comfortable with almost everyone who works there. A couple of the sales reps are still a little standoffish and I'm not sure why, I guess it's their nature? Haha the other day I was coming out of my cube and there was a sales rep talking to his CSR and I heard him say "well we don't have the paper so we can't print the job, and blah blah blah" and I walked by and jokingly said, "what!? We're a printing company and we don't have paper to print on!?" and they both looked at me and they were like, no the situation is that we ordered the paper and blah blah blah, and I'm thinking to myself.....ok guys I was just kidding, didn't you notice the sacastic and jokingly tone of voice and smile? I guess not. So I just walked away and was like, f this and moved on with my business.

I just bought cookies at the grocery store. My reasoning behind this action is that there are supposed to be some guests coming to the house on Saturday and me being their gracious host would like some things around. Now in my mind I'm thinking.... hmm.... they might not even come at all but I'll still get the cookies just in case. I mean, worst case scenario I have to eat them ...... right? hahaha. Maybe I'll go to the beer store while I'm at it, and the PANTS STORE (anyone??).

I received a phone call from my best friend yesterday on my way home from work and it was a pleasant surprise. I rarely ever hear from him unless it's a call back from a missed call from me (got that?? wha?). Sooo yea it was nice to chat with him for a while about stuff, his stuff, my stuff, trying to do stuff together...... eventually. It should work out in about two months at the earliest. So that means hopefully I will be able to take a trip up to Boston in a few months. I haven't used any days off yet from work so I think I accrue one day a month. So that means I'm almost at two WHOLE days. Snap.

I start to melt
with your arms, round my waist
and your mouth, starts to spell
and the words, telling me, to fade

i start to fade
with her arms, round my waist
and her mouth, starts to spell
and the words, telling me, to stay

i start to melt
with my arms, round your waist
and my mouth, starts to spell
and the words, saying its, ok

If I Could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand

Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul

One goes out
One comes in


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

oh my god what a day! I am finally home after what seemed to be a very difficult, strenuous and stressful day. We won't go into it but I will just say that I accomplished my task, and not only did I accomplish it but I conquered it, and I received positive feedback from my president on my way home tonight via cell phone, so that was relief and surprisement. I did a lot of working by myself today and had headphones on for some parts of it. I listened to all the Jack Johnson albums on random (except for the new one) and man that was enjoyable. I took a JJ heiadous (sp?) and don't you love when you take a long break from an artist that you love and then come back to it and it's like striking gold again? Well that's freakin' happened today. Actually that's happened twice in the last few days, now JJ before PB&J (got it?), mom I know you don't, LOL. Needless to say I am exhausted, physically, because IDK I swear I am getting really good at manual labor anymore, I feel like that's my main job right now

I'm growing a beard right now as I go through my production phases, you know, to get into the whole thing. Cuz I can. Cuz I can get away with it. Do I have to give you a reason?


It's almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same

And it's all relative
Even if we don't understand
And that's well understood
Especially when we don't understand
Then it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe


OK I'm going to bed now because I'm tired and need to do it all over again tomorrow.

btw tonight I was eating dinner when I got home and didn't even know it was Wednesday, (I think I thought it was Tuesday).

I don't know where you are but I need to meet you.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

You're Giving Me The Chills

I miss seeing polaroids sometimes. They've got that antique classic look to 'em and kind of reminds you of your childhood as well. This is Peter, Bjorn, & John. Maybe you've heard of them? They are in a band called Peter, Bjorn, & John. They write indie pop rock music and I enjoy it very much. Their album "Writer's Block" has become one of my favorite albums in my collection and I love it for two reasons: the actual music is very distinctive in the way they use their percussion and instrumentation, as well as their voices are unique with them being from Sweden. Secondly, the lyrics are excellent as well. I mean--"your tongue is sharp but I miss the taste of it", great set of lyrics to start a song. This is a song called The Chills and I loooove it... play youtube video below (under the lyrics) and then listen and read..


Your tongue is sharp
But I miss the taste of it
You said time heals
There's not enough of it
The lesson's hard and cruel to keep
To lock the door to hide the key

To hear you cast a spell so sweet
To still have hours left to sleep

Your fear is crowding
And there is still
No place
For someone
Like me to fill

Don't know about luck
But I know the lack of it

Don't know about luck
But I'm losing track of it

The lesson's hard and cruel to keep
To lock the door to go to sleep

I know that time don't heal, it kills
You're giving me the chills

Your fear is crowding
And there is still
No place
For someone
Like me to fill

Your fear is crowded
And there is still
No place
For someone
Like me to fill

The lesson's hard and cruel to keep
To lock the door to hide the key

To hear you cast a spell so sweet
And still have hours left to sleep

Your fear is crowding
And there is still
No place
For someone
Like me to fill

Your fear is crowding
And there is still
No place
For someone
Like me to fill

The lesson's hard and cruel to keep
To lock the door to go to sleep

I know that time don't heal, it kills
You're giving me the chills
I know that time don't heal, it kills

You're giving me the chills
You're giving me the chills
You're giving me the chills

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I want to be brief but I had a much needed conversation with someone who has been close to be over the last few months tonight. Basically what I learned from it is something that I kind of have known and noticed and accepted so it wasn't a big shocker. It was still difficult to a certain extent to talk with her about and on one hand we both kind of got on the same level about everything and yet still I'm not sure how things will end up. It's weird, I kind of have seen how the situation is and we both kind of have been looking at it the same way and finally discussed it tonight and yet I'm still feeling weird about the whole thing. I don't know, I think it's because I'm just kind of foreseeing the future and the inevitable and that is that nothing will last too much longer and that doesn't make me happy. Timing on this sitution hs been a bitch and that doesn't make me very happy either. I've really liked this one and it was good and I think could have become something great but, here we are, lonelyl and alone in Bmore. I know, things will pick up, and I will meet someone else, yea, eventually, but this one was working fine and just starting out great with someone new and exciting and out of life necessity I had to go away.....

Well here we are another Sunday night and work in the morning. At least that gives me something to do and somewhere to go, keep me busy through the week, and there are good things to look forward to for the upcoming weekend. If nothing else I'm going to see The Shins Friday night! Supposedly my NY friends are coming down on Saturday or late night Friday so we'll see (hopefully!).

That's all for now... goodnight.

Lion's Mane

So I'll clear the road, the gravel
and the thorn bush in your path
that burns a scented oil
that I'll drip into your bath
the water's there to warm you
and the earth is warmer when
you laugh

And love is the scene I render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though I shake and shake and shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane

Lion's Mane
Iron & Wine

The Fresh Smell of New Vinyl

Well I will admit, I picked up some new vinyls today. But it was with good reason: I had a CD that was brand new still in the packaging that I was going to use to trade in for a new vinyl, so there. Whilst I was there trading the CD version of Vampire Weekend for the vinyl version, I also picked up two others. One being a vinyl that I've been looking/waiting for for a long time because it's one of my favs (Nada Surf - Let Go) and the other being a newly discovered and quickly becoming fav in my collection (Iron & Wine - The Creek Drank The Cradle). See above photo... the second image is me scrambling to exchange in my hand one vinyl for the other, I mean... because the "slideshow" function on photobooth goes rather quickly so you gotta keep up with it!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Hey. It is currently saturday evening, 8:18, with overall a pretty decent weatherly day; some passing storms/showers and warm. I've spent the day with myself doing stuff around the house. I did my laundry, cleaned some things, washed my car, took a walk, etc. Right now I'm sitting in the living room in the dark listening to iTunes on random. There is just a little bit of light left outside as dusk takes over and just barely illuminating into this room. As you can see I don't have much doing right now. I just checked out my sister's wedding website that was just put up online, so that was pretty cool. I have an frozen iced coffee drink here with me (I made it in the blender and honestly, it didn't really come out as hoped for) and my book, which I haven't picked up yet but probably will. I got off the phone a little bit ago with a close friend that I used to live with in New York. That was good because I hadn't talked with him in awhile and was pretty much the first person I'd conversed with all day.

Do you ever wonder if it's your own fault for being in misery? Like you are doing it to yourself and only making it worse? Like rather than opening up and letting in you choose to close up and hide in your own personal shell because, well I don't know why? I've been feeling like this lately. Sometimes the thought of going out and having to put out effort to meet people and be social seems like a lot of work. Like I'd rather just not do it at all. So then you are just doing it to yourself and then it becomes a downward spiral. [side note: I'm still in this dark room but am currently listening to Us & Them by Pink Floyd and it's pretty amazing right now for my current situation].

You know what's funny? One of my buddies in NYC awhile back, when I was still living there, told me about this website called that is basically a free online dating/meeting website where you just create a profile and people can find you and message you. The layout of the website reminds me a lot of linkedin actually. Anyway, at the time when he told me, which was in the winter, I couldn't help but scoff it off and laugh.... mostly because if you knew the guy then you would laugh because, well he's hilarious about girls. But this morning I took the plunge, signed up, and created a profile. Haha, I know right? I figure it wouldn't hurt and who knows, maybe I'd find someone or if nothing else make some new friends? It's free and pretty easy, just like any other online community thing, I can't seem to think of the right word for that. A song that I heard the other day on WTMD that I've been enjoying is Brothers On a Hotel Bed by Death Cab. It's on the Plans album which I haven't listened to much, I will now though.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my evening. Probably do some reading, drink some more of this crappy frozen coffee drink (instead of alcohol), possibly a movie, and I'd imagine go to bed pretty early. Am I in a funk? Situationally depressed? Dude I don't know, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt quite like this before. There's always been varying degrees of shit, and you know I don't even know why though. I think for the first time everyone that I've really cared for and about (as in friends) are virtually no longer in my life. And it seems like I'm the only one trying to reach out and make a connection. Then you ask yourself, well what's the point? I mean someone has to do it so instead of getting all defensive about it I've always just DONE it and connected with the person. Should I keep? IDK. The sun is down and it's now dark out but I feel somewhat comforted because Tiny Dancer has been playing in this dark room and it makes me feel good. I've just got the glow of the computer screen in front of me and the gorgeous music filling the room.

You must think I'm crazy, or probably more like a bit sad for my ramblings, hahaha. It's all I've got and I really like writing it out. I hope someone out there reads it because I know a lot of people close to me don't. I think I might go peruse this cupid website because I just got an e-mail that someone gave me a rating and I'm going to investigate into the situation. Haha, I'm so pathetic.

Coffee Input

The thing that I don't like about coffee is that it follows the law of diminishing returns. Each cup is definitely not as satisfying as that first one in the morning!

As Wiki would define it: In economics, diminishing returns (also called diminishing marginal returns) refers to how the marginal contribution of a factor of production usually decreases as more of the factor is used.
Well It's happened again. And you know what I actually find myself looking forward to it too. I guess you are wondering what I'm talking about: Waking up early on a Saturday morning! I literally think I went to bed last night at 10pm. I woke up this morning at 5:30am and pee'd and then went back and slept till around 7:15am and thats when I got up. Right now it's 8:39am and have been doing some stuff online. I think I might go throw some laundry in soon and read for a bit. It's really nice out right now!! I have my door open to my room, the sun is shining, and it's nice n warm out. I think there could be some scattered t'storms today but for now it's really nice. That makes me happy. I have the house to myself all day. I'm not sure what I'm going to do!

I've been listening to Iron & Wine a lot lately and have been really enjoying his music. I kind of always had it before and only listened to select tracks. But lately I've been listening to full albums and man, it's good stuff. I bet his stuff sounds good on vinyl. I'd like to get some but, I've been really good at not spending any money unless it's on bills and stuff I need. I felt really excited and adventurous when I went to Target the other day and bought those square containers for my vinyls. How sad is that??

I love spending time with myself beecause we get along sooooo well.

Friday, May 8, 2009

There are several things to be thankful for today.

-The sun is shining for the first time in about ten days
-It's Friday!!!!
-It's also payday (even though all the money is already gone bc of bills!)

I started my first rotation at work so I've been busy working in the manufacturing/bindery area of the facility. I'm a blue-collar hardworking mans man. It's good because it's getting me on the right track and I'm learning a lot of important things.

It's gorgeous outside and I'm very thankful for that. As for my plans for the weekend, I have none. I'm thinking that I will probably enjoy the company of myself, which I'm finding lately to be very pleasing. I don't know if I'm becoming distant for any certain reason but as of late I've enjoyed the company of a book, you, and a cup of coffee to just about anything else. I like to hang out in my room, listening to records (which I finally picked up some stackable containers so they are neatly organized and easily accessible now!), show you a pic later, and I don't know, that's about it. I've been enjoying reading other people's blogs and looking at art. I've been thinking about photography a lot and getting myself into the mindset for it. I promise that I am going to start it again.

I'm OK with hanging out by myself. You know that's not completely true. Last weekend I started freaking out a little inside because on Saturday I was going to be spending the entire day by myself. But I think that was only because I was supposed to see my friend and it fell through so I felt an emptiness where there was supposed to be fullness and contentment.

It's 4:48pm and I will be boogying out of here soon...
driving home with the windows down, sunglasses on, and radio up.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Aman-Jean, 1883
by Georges Seurat

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

One Man Guy

People will know when they see this show
The kind of a guy I am

They'll recognize just what I stand for
and what I just can't stand

They'll perceive what I believe in

And what I know is true

And they'll recognize I'm a one man guy

Always was through and through

People meditate

Hey that's just great

Trying to find the inner you

People depend on family and friends

And other folks to pull them through

I don't know why I'm a one man guy

Or why I'm a one man show

But these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat are all I love
and know

'Cause I'm a one man guy in the morning

Same in the afternoon

One man guy when the sun goes down

I whistle me a one man tune

One man guy a one man guy

Only kind of guy to be

I'm a one man guy
I'm a one man guy I'm a one man guy is me

I'm gonna bathe and shave

And dress myself and eat solo every night

Unplug the phone, sleep alone

Stay way out of sight

Sure it's kind of lonely

Yeah it's sort of sick

Being your own one and only

Is a dirty selfish trick

'Cause I'm a one man guy in the morning

Same in the afternoon

One man guy when the sun goes down

I whistle me a one man tune

One man guy a one man guy

Only kind of guy to be

I'm a one man guy
I'm a one man guy I'm a one man guy is me

"One Man Guy"
Rufus Wainwright

Distant Sound of Trains

Sometimes when I am laying in my bed at night I can hear the distant sound of trains. I'm not quite sure why but it is a personally satisfying and calming sound. I love hearing it's echoing sounds bellowing in the distance. I'm sure the sound is very familiar because two of my favorite albums end with the sound of a train: Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys and Fate by Dr. Dog. Lately the sound of rain outside my open window has been keeping me company as well. I like to keep my window open most of the time and let some of those outside noises and cool fresh air into my room. I welcome whatever interesting thoughts and distractions it may give me.

Lately I've been really feeling an urge to get back into photographing. I have this desire to do some artistic things and I really miss that feeling of looking through the viewfinder and on the ground glass to compose an image. Then trying to figure out what exposure you want to use in order to convey in the final print what it is that you are feeling when you take the photograph. I miss that so much! I will need to spot out some places to photograph at in the area. I don't know it too well so it'll be some new adventures.

Started reading a new book: Thomas More's Utopia. Just getting into it so will have to give you input sometime soon.

If I was in a comic book it might look something like this....

Sunday, May 3, 2009


I sometimes wonder why coffee became the drink of choice by artists, wordsmiths, and the like. And the place that holds and sells the drink [a coffee-house] is synonymous with where these burgeoning artists, writers, and introspective thinkers and readers like to hang out. I'll admit, I kind of want to be one of these people. I'm finding as I get older I'm becoming more of one of those kinds of people. I am really enjoying reading and learning new things, thinking about things in different ways, and I have a love of art as well. All different mediums and I really enjoy the company of people that do art as well.

I mean I guess that's kind of a broad over statement but you know what I mean.

But back to my original thought, I wonder why the coffee-house became the hang out of choice for these folk. I've found my musical taste has shifted, for the most part, towards indie-singer/songwriter type stuff. A little more quiet but with a taste of good instrumentation, thoughtful lyrics that are usually a derivative of different feelings of emotion, and just very natural and calm. I like it, I have no problem with all of it. I kind of have been meaning to get back into doing some art or something myself.

Or at least surrounding myself with some of these things because I feel like sometimes I'm wasting away. If I don't keep hold of some of these things that make you more whole inside, a better more thoughtful inquisitive person, and to continue learning and expanding your mind, then I feel like you're just wasting away... toiling from day-to-day with your job and not much else. And I'm afraid that I feel like that's what I've been doing and it's the path I've been leading.

I want to break out of old habits, try making new resolutions and efforts to achieve some of these things that I feel trying to burst out inside. I don't know why, even though we feel it inside, we don't just do what it is that we feel would better ourselves. Is it just laziness? In my case it might be. I feel in many cases it might be. Are we afraid to just do what it is that we want to? I don't know. But I want to not do that and just do it. I've already started by reading more. I've finished two in the last week or two and I'm now getting back into The Stuff of Thought which I picked up at The Strand in NYC a few months ago. I miss that book store. Don't worry I'm not going to get into all of that. I'm also going to try and create a better and more positive outlook on all things in life right now. One shouldn't toil in the misery of things that they can change for themselves - the first step is recognizing it and the next is doing something about it. I'm working on step two.

Inordinate Joy

"When I look at a shelf of books I see huge clouds of ideas
stuffed down into humble packages. We people like to show
off our books on shelves like merit badges,
because we're proud of the ideas we've ingested to make us who we are,
and want to display our insides for others to see,
hoping to make a connection or impression.
I think this is endearing and charming, and also makes me feel a bit sad for us.
And yet when I paint someone else's bookshelf
and they have some of the same books I do,
I feel inordinately joyful about it, and about them."
-the artist, Jane Mount

Saturday, May 2, 2009

In Between Dreams

You know what? My best friend right now is this blog. It's always there when I need it and doesn't have a choice of whether it wants to hang out and listen to me or not. In real life though it seems to be the contrary. I don't know, it seems like while over the last bit of time people around me have been getting lives and things to do. Are always seeming to be busy and even people who I haven't seen in awhile that make plans it doesn't seem to come through. I'm not sure, I just don't understand sometimes. It's just, am I sounding really selfish? I don't mean to. Actually today I was wanting to console a close friend, at least we used to be close, and I wanted to help him get his mind off of some things that have been troubling him. It seems every time I talk with him there is either immense trouble or happiness in his life with his new girlfriend and well, in either case there's no room to hang out and take the time to see me. Once again, am I being really selfish? My intentions for today were not for my own good, actually that's partially a lie. It's true, I have the house to myself this weekend and no one is here, no friends in town, no one to hang out with, and I can't even seem to find a friend to have come visit. But as I was saying, I know he's going through a rough time and just wanted to help him get his mind off of it and give an open space for him to speak it as well. But just as my luck of lately has it, it didn't come through. I'm not trying to whine I'm just feeling rather lonely and don't really hear from the ones that I really want to. Like I keep saying, I'm still adjusting and It's still only been two months here. It hasn't been a complete waste of a day - I cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floors, cleaned the stairs, in the process of making pasta salad, washed my sheets, maybe now I'll get drunk by myself.

My other best friend right now besides you are my records. That's not all of them, but just some of them. I through them across my bed as a personal vinyl mosaic. Here is the box of all of my collection right now. The one on the outside that you can see the most is probably the one I listen to the most: Fleet Foxes.
Maybe I'll take a day like this and start a new book. Like I said I just finished 1984 and Animal Farm; my sister gave me some books that I might look into. Let's see.... maybe Thomas More's Utopia.

Right now I'm sitting at my desk with the door to the deck open, a Mash episode on the tv, soccer shorts and t-shirt on, and well, just sitting here miserating. Maybe I'll go to blockbuster and rent some movies to watch tonight. Ughhhhh do you ever wonder ah, nevermind. I may sound like I hate the world or whatever, and that I have no friends, but you know what it all comes down to? All of my problems, miseries, and misfortunes? I just want someone in my life that I can care for and have care for me. A relationship with a girl that seems to be the one for me that makes me be the best person that I can be. Who I can spend time with and don't feel compelled to keep talking, where we can feel comfortable enough to just be together. It's seemed that I havn't found anything like that yet, or in a long time. Just when I think I'm getting into something good I move away and make it strained and difficult. The distance is not easy and it's a shame because I just don't see, hear, or be with her as much as I'd like. I don't know if it's tough for her or not. I'm not really sure where I stand with her. It's a different situation for me because I'm the one moved away into a new place, new job, new surroundings and no friends.

Well you know what's funny? I do have a friend close, in d.c., a very close friend at one point in my life, but yet I don't ever see him. Can you tell me wtf? I know, it's like I'm the only one who calls or texts to see what they are doing. And it seems it never works out, life just becomes to busy when you have a girlfriend. I don't understand why that is. The only two times that I have spent time with him was riddled with phone calls and texts from an angry girlfriend which utterly complicates and distances the already all-too-uncommon situation. I don't know, I just don't like the way life is heading.

It's 4:23pm on Saturday and I'm going to go down and finish making my pasta salad. I'm sure I will be chatting with you later because I don't think I can go through the rest of the day without uttering any words.
"Nobody can teach me who I am, you can describe part of me,
but who I am and what I need, these are things I have to find
out myself." - Chinua Achebe


Quote of the Day

When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you.

Friedrich Nietzsche

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What started out as going to be just a post about the quote of the day and then what it made me think of has stumbled into something more. That's why I love the internet. Well first things first, when I read the quote of the day [see above] it made me think of a part of one of my favorite movies [can I say of anymore times? wha??]. Garden State is that movie that I speak of. Have you seen it? If you haven't then I highly suggest that you do.... with an open mind. Anyway this is a pic from that part..


But what started out as me just google imaging a pic from this scene rolled into stumbling into this girl's blog via a pic from her blog that had mentioned the words Garden State. This is the pic...

As I went to the pic I started reading/browsing over her blog and I must say I've really enjoyed everything that she has posted about. Very introspective thoughts and feelings about everyday/everything that involves living your life. There are also lots of fabulous photographs and she seems to have excellent taste in music as well. If you are interested you should peruse it here. It totally just killed, I don't know, maybe an hour of my time just reading through it. I also bookmarked it as well so I'm going to go back and check it on a daily basis to see what she has to say. Sometimes I need some inspiration or guidance to how to talk to this thing. It seems I've gotten quite boring or exhausted of writing on this thing. That thing that needed to come out when I first started doing this might not be there anymore. Yea you're right, that's a lie. But it does take a lot of effort doing it. Sometimes you don't want to talk. Yea I know what you're thinking, if you don't feel like doing it then just don't do it. Well I have.... that's why if you look at April and March's post counts it's way low dude. But it's a good thing - like how I should probably do yoga but for some reason I keep not doing it. But it's nice to read other people's blogs to see what they're doing with it. Sometimes it kind of a blow to the face because I think to myself, damn you are boring. Or stop moping around and just start living. Those are the things that are important to realize. So shit, that's great. Other times, like in the case of today, you can have a mix of all kinds of things introspective things that pertaint o you and others as well within it.

I've been listening to a bunch of music that I got from Rich and for the last bit of time I've been listening to Ferraby Lionheart - Catch The Brass Ring [see right] and have been thoroughly enjoying it. Very chill stuff with good instrumentation and I like his voice a lot too. At first it reminded me of the singer from Phantom Planet, except only his voice when he sings slower more quiet songs. It's been very enjoyable and I will definitely come back and keep listening to it.

Saturday A.M. 8:30 a.m.

You're probably wondering the same thing I am right now. What are you doing up at 8-something a.m. on a Saturday morning!? Yahhh, I don't know? I just seemed to wake up at 8:30 and can't go back to sleep. My body is starting to get into the rhythm of the work week and since I have no life I am able to get to bed at a decent hour on a Friday night. They were calling for rain all weekend but right now it's just overcast so I'm hoping that it stays alright for a while. I don't really want any rain on me right now. My buddy Greg is coming down to stay today, I believe. As of now it's still on. I'm real excited because I haven't really had a chance to hang out with him in a long time. Or let me put it this way, I haven't been able to hang out with an unpreoccupied him in a long time. I'm hoping that he will not be like that again today. I think it'll probably be fine. Thank god he's coming down too because I'm in the house to myself and no one's around this weekend! Which is cool but since I don't know anyone I am like, a possibility of going insane in my own mind on a whole weekend that could be filled with laughing and good times. Speaking of which I talked to Rich briefly last night and I think the boys might be coming down in a few weeks. I so excite for that! Not much else is new or going on. I'm kind of at a loss right now. I'm cutting myself off and not buying any more vinyls for a while. I neeeeeeed to cut my expenses down to a minimum so I can focus on paying off all my credit card debt that has accumulated over the last months from being in NY and then in Baltimore before I started working. I'm going to try reaaaaal hard. I've gotten so many over the last month or two that I need to just focus on them but mannnnn, it's always well I heard that one came out and I really want that one, that feeling of getting a new vinyl record is so amazing. Dude check it out - all three Nick Drake albums on perfect 180g vinyl... Anyways so yea I'm just hanging out with my door open to the deck letting some of the cool overcast air into my room and drinking some coffee on ice. I got Dunkin' Donuts cinnamon flavored coffee grounds the other week at the grocery store and man I have to tell you it's pretty bangin'. Their coffee is really good. I have a bag of Starbucks and dude the DD's is much much better than the Starbucks beans. I mean not that that is a big surprise to me but at the same time I am still. I'm not sure what we're up to today; I can almost guarantee we'll make a stop at Max's over in Fells for some pints. After a couple beers make sure I don't wander over to the Soungarden music store and look at vinyls. That's when I can't convince myself not to do it. O K thx. I've been wanting to go disc golfing but it's not the BEST weather for it and it's been rainy lately so the course is probably all mushy. I don't know. Maybe I'll TTYL?