Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Alone inside my forest room
And it's storming

I never thought I'd be in bloom
But this is where I start

-Stadium Arcadium

And the question is was I more alive then than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

but life has a certain ability of breathing new life into me
so I breathe it in
it tells me here you are and here all you are here
and still can make sense
if you just show up and present an honest face
instead of that grin.

The other day this new friend of mine
said something to me,
'Just because something starts differently
Doesn't mean it's worth less.'
And I soaked it in, how I soaked it in
How I soaked it in
And just asked to prove how right he was
Then you came.

So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try
So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

-Objects of My Affection

I have been toiling away here at work since 8am. It is now 4:22pm and tis almost the end of the day. I gotta run home, change, and head to my part-time job to work tonight. Then rest, wake up, come to my day job, then run home, change, and head to my part-time job to work tomorrow night. That brings us to resting, wake up, coming to my day job, then heading to New York City! I am super excited to be getting out of MD and everything in this vicinity and escaping to NYC and then Woodstock, NY on Saturday for a Midnight Ramble. We are going to a special show in Levon Helm's Barn that holds 200 people, and the Black Crowes are opening up. Levon owns a farm in Woodstock and that's where we will be spending most of our time on Saturday. This should be a super intimate experience and something I will never forget. Thank you Rich, I need this....

Life has been okay. I've been trying to learn how to move on, get rid of feelings, and get back to being me. Someday's are better than others. Some sets of hours are easier than others. But I am still alive, there are things to look forward to, and if it's not meant to be then it won't, or if it is then maybe it will. I need to learn to get back on my feet and look to the future. There's no way in changing the past and if things can't be realized and it's too late then so be it. I was the one who wasn't ready before, now you aren't. There's something there but influence is taking over and I am being extricated from the situation.
I did not really take a lunch break today so that's why I'm finally taking a break from this data entry sh*t and writing on here. It's been a few weeks and once again, a tough few weeks. Some days are better than others; some days I've got my sh*t together and my head is in the right place and then just like that something can change and I'll be somewhat of a wreck again. It's going to take time but I'm definitely better than I was. It's still becoming difficult to write because I don't really have much promising or exciting things to say. I hate my job, I hate coming to my job, and at the moment there isn't much I'm hanging onto in my normal life either. There are a few people / places that are keeping me going. It is a difficult time period and going into the holiday season will hopefully make it go by quicker and then a little bit of time later I will be in another state, living in a new apartment, working in a new location, with new people, and new job description. Yes, I am excited. Right now it feels so far in the future (february) that all I can think about is getting through these next couple months. Hell all I can think about is getting through these next couple days / weeks / hours. Jealousy is a bitch and you should never let it sneak up on you. It's a difficult pill to swallow and can make you do crazy things.


I picked some quotes in the beginning that are maybe a little more on the up direction, a new beginning, a new me, I am more me. I need to tap back into the me that I am. It's just been a rollercoaster of a last month or so and I'm hanging on for dear life. We are going in the right direction and will take each day at a time.

Thank you guys for reading my thoughts, being there for me, reaching out when needed, and showing me a good time in a time of need.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

That woman she's got eyes that shine
like a pair of stolen pair of polished dimes
she asked to dance, I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning times

Aw brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape I'm in?

My hands they shake, my head it spins
aw brooklyn, brooklyn take me in....

three words that became hard to say: I and Love and You.

And if I had a clue, I'd know exactly what to do
If I were the wiser of the two
And if I sought all so clear
I'd write it down and bend your ear
If I were the wiser of the two
We could take a walk into the canyons of fifth avenue
Sing and dance just to name a few
all I do
all I do....

And if I saw the sun fall down
I'd pick it up and make a crown
one that was a perfect fit for you....

Hello world. I have not been well. All has not been well in my world. Thus is the reason why I have not talked to you since the beginning of the month. I have not had the effort the words or anything to do anything on here. I didn't even have the effort to power up my laptop. I just didn't even turn it on really. It has been some of the toughest weeks of my life. Emotionally, work-ally, relationship-y, everything-y. Existence has proved futile and enthusiasm has been drained. The escape and understanding of life from music was non-existent. There was nothing that made things well and the thought of food only further supressed my appetite. I did not eat. I could not eat. Several days passed without the embibment of food. Only cigarettes, coffee, and beer passed these lips. It has been an extremely difficult month and I think I am on the upswing. All is still not well in my world but decisions have been made and a path has been chosen. Mindsets of have been created, relationships have been identified and put in their appropriate places, and there is nothing left to do. Some feelings have been left on the table, and I think there is still a lot going on and something there, but only time will tell. All I can say is that I am still alive and will see the sunshine of a new day.

Thank you.

Monday, October 5, 2009

She's got a sword in case
though this is not her lord in case
the one who can't afford to face
her image is restored to grace.

Disappeared. No trace. Musky tears. Suitcase.

The down turn brave little burncub bearcareless turnip snare rampages pitch color pages...
down and out but not in Vegas.
Disembarks and disengages. No loft.

Sweet pink canary cages
plummet pop dewskin fortitude
for the sniffing black noses that snort and allude
to the dangling trinkets that mimic the dirt cough go drink
It's for you.

Blue battered naval town slip kisses delivered by duck muscles
and bottlenosed grifters arrive in time to catch the late show.

It's a beehive barrel race.
A shehive stare and chase wasted feature
who tried and failed to reach her.

Embossed beneath a box in the closet that's lost.

The kind that you find when you mind your own business.

Shiv sister to the quickness before it blisters into the newmorning milk blanket.
Your ilk is funny
to the turnstyle
touch bunny whose bouquet set a course for bloom without decay.

get your broom and
sweep echoes of yesternights fallen freckles...away...

-death of a martian