Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You should go to Ted.com and check out some of the videos that are on there. They are some of the most interesting people with incredible ideas... I've been watching a lot of these videos as well as reading. Now that I am on my own I am more coherent to what I should be doing, and how to keep myself well. Everything in balance. I am thinking about becoming a weekday vegetarian, what do you think? There is a video on Ted.com about it.

It is through the struggle to find our own sense of direction and the acknowledgment of our own ignorance that we find true meaning. Part of that meaning is the understanding that the fulfilling journey is one that is completely personal and subjective, but at the same time inherently connected to everything surrounding us.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


It is time for sushi and conversation. Delectables of Eel and Fish Roe.

goodbye for now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Right Moves

I am at the local coffee house in Baltimore right now. When I used to live here I always wanted to come down and hang out, grab a coffee, and catch up on reading, exploring, and writing on the interwebs. For some reason I never did. I don't know why. I always stayed at the desk in my room and just thought about going down and doing that. Now that I am no longer a Maryland resident I am down here hanging out. I have an iced coffee, music playing in my ears (DRA) and have been catching up on some work emails and reading.

It's weird to be back for the first time in almost four months. It's all still here it's just that I am not. There are a lot of things that I really dig about this place and that I will miss. I think it will be good and will be a nice place to come visit when I am traveling. It's interesting how cities can differ so much in what's going on, what kind of people live there, and the feeling you get when you are there. Houston and Baltimore are two very different cities. Each have an appeal that I like, each one lacking things that I want in my life too. I still don't know what I want, where I belong. Who I belong with? I don't know, I am just starting the next chapter of this weird crazy life and hoping for the best. I'm starting to get a little nervous on how this chapter will write itself. Because I don't know. I feel like I am just here for the ride and taking one step at a time. The south is different and I like that. I strive for a lot of
difference in my life. I feel like I'm always trying to be different, doing things differently, trying to be retro or interesting. Is it still cool if it's a conscious decision to be that way? I was reading Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and he said something interesting that made me question myself... he said he hates when people describe themselves as "artsy" or "creative" because then they are just trying to personify something that is just the way people are. The people who really are artsy or creative don't say that about themselves... they just are. And I have to admit I like to think of myself as a creative person... am I just a fake? I don't know, maybe a little bit. I still do it though.

I find things that I like and I stick to them. I really enjoy being on my own. I love my family very much but I'm 25 and ready to explore. Find out where I belong and what I'm supposed to be doing. I need to meet new people and try new things, I have this passion for putting myself out there to it. It doesn't scare me. It excites me... and I want to keep doing it. I have many friends that have come and gone in my life, there are too many to count that have faded into memories of past fun, and that's all. It's just a fact of life and I can embrace that. I guess the difficult ones are the ones that you still see, or want to see, or try to see, and it's just
different. What can you do? nothing. You just gotta live. I question myself a lot I think. I feel like on one hand I'm very proud of myself and have self confidence but on the other I worry about what people think, if they think I'm doing a good job, and then it makes me question myself and my actions. Like right now, I worry about the people at work and if they think I'm doing my job well, if I make the right decisions and communicate properly, if they are looking to push me out or hate working with me. I mean, if they did they would say something right? I don't know. I've noticed there is a lot of people around that like to talk, and I don't want to be the one being talked about. It worries me, you know? I have this overwhelming desire to be liked, and respected for the person I am and the kind of work I do... I want to make it count. And right now, being away from the office for a whole week, I feel like I am way out of it and disconnected. Everything goes on like it did before. Whether I am there or not. So, I don't know why, it makes me question myself. I've just had a flood of interesting feelings lately since I've come back to the Northeast for the first time in a while. I spent a few days in Pennsylvania at my parents house where I grew up, and the smells and surroundings just fill me up with all of these crazy feelings and emotions. It's not bad, just interesting. I don't want my family to think I am abandoning them by moving to Texas, and I think they understand. I'm not not looking back... it's just a new chapter and they know that. I just am ready to start living my life, it's happening. It's always happening all around us. I think there are some people that need to make sure they have their priorities in order and understand that we are here to enjoy each other's company while we're here, while we're alive, because we're only here for a short period, so lets enjoy and not worry about petty things.

I think that this is going to be a good turn. I think that I will become more of myself than I ever have before. I will be able to discover the thing that I've been wanting.. and that is to be my own person and the best one at that. To figure it out... to understand what
it is, and who I am. This all sounds like deep stuff but we think about it every day. At least I do, most people probably don't though. If you are reading this then I'd like you to. Take a step back and think about what it's all about, and maybe it will make you do some things differently.

I remember when, when I first moved here,
a long time ago,
´cause I heard some song I used to hear back then,
a long time ago.
I remember when, even further back,
in another town,
´cause I saw something written I used to say back then,
hard to comprehend.

And the question is, was I more alive
then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree;
I laugh more often now, i cry more often now,
I am more me.

Life has a certain ability of breathing new
life into me,
so I breathe it in.
It says here we are, and we all are here,
and you still can make sense,
if you just show up and present an honest face,
instead of that grin.

And the other day, this new friend of mine
said something to me
"just because something starts differently,
doesn't mean it's worth less."
and I soaked it in, how I soaked it in,
how I soaked it in
and just as to prove how right he was,
then you came.
so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try,
so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

To New Beginnings

This is my first photobooth picture session in a long time. I actually haven't used the Photoshop on my MacBook in a really long time (I've just been using my version on my computer at work (for work stuff.... blah)). I took the afternoon off from work to take care of arranging the moving company to get all of my stuff from the Northeast down to my new apartment in Houston. Speaking of the new apartment... I get my keys tomorrow and start moving in! I am extremely excited to move into my own place, I also have furniture being delivered in Saturday as well. I think I'm going to be purchasing a new LED TV then as well, so some exciting stuff is happening right now! I am really looking forward to making this place my own, it's going to be super cool. I'm going to paint one of my walls with chalkboard paint so it'll look a little something like this:

Tomorrow night I am going to see the band Phoenix and then on Sunday is the first of three Dr. Dog shows I am going to!! Life is pretty good right now, to be honest, and am very grateful for the people I have around me. I am going to miss my buddy Trevor who is heading back to Toronto tomorrow. We have basically spent every day together for the past three months so it's going to definitely be an adjustment to my lifestyle. We go to work together, then work together and talk all day, then head home together and grab dinner together, hang out together, listen to music, talk about music, girls, fashion, everything. It's been a great relationship since I've known him. I'm so glad that we were placed together. I don't think it could have worked out any better. He's such an easy going cool dude... most if not all Canadians I've met are awesome people. Why is that??? All I can say is that look out passport, you are getting renewed soon, and I am going to Toronto, Canada for the first time, and not the last time, in my life. We are having a big last night throw down for him tonight at our regular hang out bar place near us. Everyone will be there. It's going to be a blast. An appropriate goodbye for the Muckle Man.

I am doing some laundry, going to grab some dinner, and finish up a few things before the night begins. Right now I'm listening to Nada Surf on vinyl and drinking some green tea. I just made a pot of coffee and threw it in a pitcher to cool down in the ice box. Mmmm for some tasty iced coffees. Speaking of coffees I found this super cool indie cafe / coffee shop in the Montrose area of Houston that Trevor and I went to the other night. The menu is great, really good healthy items, lots of veggies and stuff, and great coffee drinks. Cool vibe, good music, neat area. I think I'm finding my spots in this new city of mine...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

This has to be the longest lag in posts I've done since I started this thing a few years ago. I am nearing my 3 month mark here in Houston, TX and that also means my time here for the bootcamp is over as well. I am moving into my own apartment at the end of this week, on Friday, so I'm very excited for that. I have been keeping busy with work, always something happening, some fire to put out. Because it is the end of the 3 month period my roommate Trevor is going back to Canada and it's been great, he will definitely be missed. I'd like to plan a trip to visit him in Toronto later this summer.

I'm writing on here to get back to it. To get back to writing it out, thinking about things, and expressing thoughts. I am definitely guilty of ignoring it. Not putting the time in. I hope to have more time to focus on things once I get out of this apartment and into my own place. I spend nearly every minute with Trevor doing things, so Tomorrow Never Knows ends up being an afterthought once things happen that I'd like to write about. It's not like I need to make excuses to you why I don't write on here, but I do anyway. I mean, I'm not sure if anyone will even read this anyway. But yet I still do it. It's like books. I like them. I like to like them. I want to be a person who reads books. Is knowledgeable about stuff in books, but I have a hard time staying interested in it the whole way through. I have about two or three books that I've started and haven't finished. After I finish on here I'm going to lay in bed and pick one back up.

I always try to do better for myself, and to be honest, I've done okay. I'm better than I was. But still not perfect. Things are good though and will only keep getting better. So in closing, lets stay in touch, I will do better to talk it out.

Saturday, March 20, 2010



I went to bed last night pretty early, probably about 9:30pm or 10. I put on this new piano album I got by Akira Kosemura that is really soft and relaxing. I woke up a while later to some other music playing (what was after that album on the iTunes list) and realized that the album worked pretty well. Also intermittently there were flurries of text message and phone calls that woke me up as well. I'm sitting at the dining room table with some of the windows open and blinds open; kind of a dreary day - overcast, slightly chilly, perfect day to be spent inside a brewery drinking local, fresh beer and making jokes with friends! Good! Because that's what we're doing this afternoon. I am proud to say that I think my stomach is in OK condition to perform this activity. It has been an uncomfortable last week and a half with this stomach bug that I've had. It sidelined me for a while and gave me a chance to relax and let some of the things that has been happening really cement itself in my head. I'm not going to say that I'm questioning my decision to stay in Houston, because I'm not, but I am saying that I've allowed myself to really think about the situation and what the pros and cons are. What living in the Northeast really means to me, what my life in Baltimore offers me, and then what excitement and opportunities are available here in the Gulf Coast. Of course there are pros and cons to everything. But, as you know me, I am always looking for that new adventure and new people, new places, new experiences. And I think this is it. And you know what? In a few years I could really have moved up in this company. Also, I can drive to California wayyyy quicker from here than Maryland, ever think about that!?

I woke up this morning with a flash of inspiration and life that I always look forward to on Saturday mornings, unless I'm hungover. It's that feeling of being well rested, having spent the previous night relaxing your bones after a long week, doing something for yourself and no one else. The feeling of being able to wake up whenever it is that you actually wake up, and not because you have to. Your body just wakes up and then you know it's time. And the feeling of not having to actually go anywhere or do anything. That is the feeling. So I woke up, brushed my teeth, used the bathroom [TMI?], and threw on the first vinyl of the morning. I went with whatever was in there at the time, because it's always easier to just drop the needle than think about things, and so that happened to be The Ruby Suns new album, which is okay, not as good as the previous two albums. I went to the kitchen and made a pot of real Mexican coffee from Mexico, gladfully given to me by my sister. I don't think gladfully is a word because there is a red line under it but I want to use it anyway. While I was in the kitchen doing this I got that splash of inspiration and instantly went into cooking mode. I figured, lets make a real breakfast like real people do. So I chopped up some potatoes, onion, and garlic and threw that in the oven. And defrosted some sausages. And got T to pick up some eggs. And we have toast. So I think that should be pretty good.

I always like when I have time to sit down and actually write something on here. It makes me feel better about things. I'm looking out the window right now and it's like super dark in the distance.. looks like there is a storm coming. Perfect weather for drinking indoors!! You know sometimes you feel guilty for like, drinking indoors or spending time indoors when its super nice out, but today is not one of those days. Supposedly we are leaving in about thirty minutes but I'm unshowered, still cooking breakfast, and not in that mindset yet... so we'll see. I popped in a record that I haven't listened to in a really long time that seems appropriate right now and that is Norah Jones first album.

Well I need to check on things and start to get my act together.

Tonight we go to the rodeo and act like young professionals in our company's Suite box, giddy-up!!

Bye for now.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Ides of March


I think the above image is so interesting how it shows the subject within the subject. It throws off your sense of reality for a second and makes you take a step back and think about what is going on. I enjoy things that make you do that. Lately I have been feeling extremely lazy. I caught a stomach bug at the tail end of last week and through the weekend that threw me for a loop. I'm still not one hundred percent. Right now I am just chilling in my room, by myself, with my new Ray Lamontagne vinyl spinning on the turntable (his second album - Till The Sun Turns Black), as you can see pictured above with mwah. It is an excellent record, what can I say? I have his first and third on vinyl and it was only a matter of time before I got this one. Let me tell you, it sounds excellent. But yes, I am really just chilling in my room with the blinds closed down a bit, sheets a ruffled, lights off so only the natural light can illuminate around me, windows slightly open to let fresh air in, shorts and t-shirt on. It's almost 7pm on a Monday night. Kind of a blah Monday, you know? It was not an extremely satisfying day of work.

I've been letting reality sink in a bit. It doesn't really change decision but it has allowed me to connect to those things that are important around me, maybe in places I used to live or closer to home, that are important to me.
Those things are not gone.
They are still there.
They will always be there, I just won't be there right next to them all the time.

That is okay and I am okay with that. I need to take this opportunity as best as I can and make something of it.

I took a nap the other day on a gorgeous sunny afternoon. It was such a nice experience, although I was not feeling very good at the time I still really enjoyed it. I put The Smiths on in the background and let myself sink into the bed around me and fell asleep to the lullaby of amazing 80's British Pop Music... it was really nice. Fortunately I have been getting better and hopefully will be back to one hundred percent soon. I laid by the pool yesterday and read On the Road for a while, it was really nice.

I feel like everything has been a bit blah lately and I'm not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with just the fact that I've been slightly ill. I also feel like things have been a little stagnant and need some new things to do. Some new projects at work. Some new friends to hang out with. Or some new places to go with my current friends. Unfortunately one of my cohorts here that has grown into a friend will be leaving in a few weeks to go back to his company. Most of us have grown pretty close and that is really awesome. We grilled out by the pool over the weekend and everyone chipped in to help. It's just been one of those weeks I guess... I haven't written on here too much which I must apologize for. Sometimes I find it to be more and more difficult to keep up with it. It's a shame I can't make a blog posting by thought because I swear, I'll be driving down the street or have headphones in and I'll hear a set of lyrics and it'll trigger something in my head that I want to say, or an idea I've had that I want to express, or just something and I want to write about it then and there and I always say to myself, oh well I'll remember and I never really do. And if the page isn't up in my browser or there for me to constantly look at and see that I haven't posted in a while, sometimes I won't do it. Sometimes, a lot of times, it is in the back of my head that I haven't said anything in a while and I'm too damn lazy to do it. Or it's not that I'm lazy, because I actually do want to, but it takes something inside of you to actually do it. It is so much easier not to do it.
You know?

That's not just blog posting but life in general.
Lets try to steer away from that and do the unexpected,
go that pace and do something really cool because I want to see it.

Well I never pray but tonight I'm on my knees
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me
I let the melody shine
let it cleanse my mind
I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's been a very interesting couple of days. I sit in the cove of our kitchen with the porch door open, windows open, Nick Drake vinyl playing on the turntable in my room, kitchen lights on, and a dusk pink and blue sky fading behind the palm trees. I sit alone because my roommate has left for Toronto. I feel as if a much needed time to be alone. Though not for long because a few friends will be coming over in about an hour; bringing a bounty of food / ingredients to cook dinner. I have spent the last hour doing some kitchen prep work for said dinner. Actually, you know what is quite ironic about what I just said? If you remember - my last post I exclaimed how I wanted that experience of being around friends, cooking food for each other for everyone to enjoy, something healthy and wholesome. Well, as it seems to be, I might be quite doing that exact thing tonight.

That is what leads me to some things that are interesting. A lot has happened in the last few days / weeks. I have made many new friends, met several new intriguing ladies, and have felt more on top of my game and good about myself than in a long time. It's almost like all of that hard work is finally paying off and I am grateful. So excited and grateful. It has been a very interesting last year and it has definitely helped to shape who I am and what it is that I am looking for. I am extremely excited for the future and very thankful for those of you in my life. Exciting things are happening and there will be some extreme changes happening in the coming months.

Right now I am downloading a copy of Adobe Illustrator onto my MacBook because the old version I had wore out. I mean, it didn't ware out, but the period of time that I was able to use it was expired. BUT, I am downloading a full version at the moment that should work all the time. I have been really shaking out some of the design capabilities within myself lately and I love it. I wish I had some of the art exhibition viewing opportunities here that are in NYC. I still miss it there but it seems my course has taken me in a different direction that I had predicted. There are still some very important people to me that live in that city and will absolutely get back there as much as I can. I am going to be a jet-setter now ya'll.

Well I'm going to go peel some onions and chop some garlic.

Stay well my friends.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Real Things


It's now 11:01am on Saturday morning. I have shop set up at what you might call the dining room table in our kitchen. A cup of coffee, my MacBook, and iPhone accompany me. It's in like, a bay window type area so my back is surrounded by all windows. When I woke up this morning I opened up all the shades to let the light flood in. I made some coffee in this crappy mug coffee maker thing we have (I think I'm going to replace this today...). And sat down at the table to have some personal time on the computer, the apartment was quiet (I was the only one up at the time) and just have some "me" time. I wanted to take some time to actually write a post for once, rather than just some chicken scratch at some off time just because. Well this was a few hours ago. And here I am - just getting to the post, haha. Adobe Photoshop steals my attention again! At work I've been doing a lot of design work lately. It has absolutely sharpened up my Photoshop skills and opened up some of the floodgates of creativity, and art design. So as I normally do, I look at some of the images I've saved from deviantart.com to either give me some inspiration or just put in my post to add some life and give all of us a chance to look at it, contemplate it, and see how it could maybe effect our lives for if just a few seconds. Well the Ps logo that sits on my Mac dashboard was staring me right in the face while I was trying to start this post several hours ago. I decided to open her up because we haven't really had a chance to hang out much lately, and then the next thing I know an hour has gone by, my coffee cup is empty, and Trevor is over on the couch reading a magazine. I had created the collage that you see above. I was originally going to just throw one or two of those images on the page, but instead made the collage in Photoshop. I haven't really been using my MacBook much lately. At work I stare at my screen all day, like all day, so I think by the time I get home at night I am toasted. Basically my MacBook has turned into a music station where I use her for her intense iTunes library, and not much more. Since I'm out in the kitchen, and my speakers are in my room, I was playing music from my computer speakers (which don't sound very good) so I just ran into my room and threw on a record. I went over to originally put on Bon Iver - but when I got there I decided to pick something else. I threw on Sky Blue Sky by Wilco instead - I haven't listened to this one much on vinyl.

The reason why I chose some of these images, or maybe the reason why some of the images chose me was because I think I feel a lot of different things when I see them. I feel like each one corresponds to me in some way. The first one is just kind of an old style looking photo with a blurred character in it, sitting outside on a sunny day, writing down her thoughts much like I am right now in my Houston apartment with crazy wigged out hair (I haven't cut my hair in a long time, so it's pretty long and curly, which I haven't done in a long time...). The second and third image are things we all enjoy, well not everyone likes coffee, but a lot of people do. As far as the second image - it's that feeling of waking up in the morning, the sheets / comforter are all over the place, you wake up feel refreshed and not a care in the world, and it's because there's a smiling face two inches away from yours and you wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world. I know this is something we've all felt. So then after that you guys get up and make some coffee and hang out. So that's how the coffee fits in, and plus I just really like it. The next two images are pretty cool too... the one of the girl on the crowded train is super cool. It reminds me of trying to get back to Brooklyn during rush hour times on the subway. It would get so crowded with people all the time, everyone just packed like sardines in these subway cars. This photo shows an innocent looking girl, somehow caught looking across the train, and caught by the camera, looking out of place, or maybe she's not out of place and completely comfortable. Either way it's pretty cool how she's framed in this crazy frantic subway car while all these people are hustling and bustling around her and for one second in time this person was able to catch her in the midst of madness. The other two images show two people with cameras. The one is a guy with a Rolleflex (a medium format camera that is pretty unique in how you view the image when taking it, and produces a 2x2 inch negative, which is unique because it's a square and not the normal horizontal or vertical format, which totally changes the way you think about framing and taking a photograph) and the other is a girl playfully taking a photo in the mirror of what is probably her room. I just like this one because it's playful, she looks super cute, and seems like a girl I would want to hang out with.

The last image is something that I kind of wish I had in my life. Or... some instance of it.. or ... something. It just reminds me of a bunch of friends waking up on a nice Saturday morning with fresh ingredients making breakfast for each other, having fun, not a care in the world, just there making breakfast and making plans for the day. Nothing beats making a good healthy breakfast with those that you want to be with. It seems like an ideal situation. In a perfect world.

Take care,

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This photo reminds me of an adventure. Someone going somewhere and it doesn't really matter where because they are not where they were. It has much a On the Road feel to it. It's cool, it's nice, it has a nice feel to it. Makes you feel like it's summer time, adventure time, going places with friends and not a care in the world. All of these things are on one hand far from how I feel because I'm locked down to a full time job... locked in to those 8-5 hours, but on the other hand I am in the middle of an adventure at the same time.

I thought I would be posting on here a lot while I'm here but you know, it has obviously been different than I thought. I've just been so busy with everything that's going on... work has been busy, staying late and meeting up with people from other companies to socialize and do things outside of work. Weeknights there's usually something to do, if not then time to catch up on some laundry, cook some dinner, and relax because it's the work week and every other day is crazy... It's been such a whirlwind that I'm not even sure what to say.. you know? We've been watching the Olympics a lot lately and havin a Canuck as a roommate there has been some inter-apartment country rivalry.. and lots of hockey going on as well.

Well I'm going to go do some reading... I hope to have some more for you soon...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I wanted to write some stuff down real quick while I have a little bit of time. I got back from lunch a little bit ago and just finished up some work. Right now I’m listening to Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones with my headphones on and loving it. We walked next door to the deli and grabbed a sandwich – it’s pretty warm out and sunny, probably in the mid 50’s at least. A lot of people are out of the office today because there’s this big conference going on so it’s pretty quiet. We are heading over to check it out and see an opening presentation by the new president of our department later today. Until then I am going to hang out at my desk, listen to my iPod, continue to do some work, get prepared for a few presentations I have tomorrow morning and, did I mention hang out?
This is the start of my third week here in Texas, can you believe it? It’s going by so quickly already… and I’ve learned so much since I’ve been here. It has been a great experience so far and have made a lot new friends as well. I am sooo glad I made the choice to come, and was given the opportunity to come and do it. My roommate is awesome, I really lucked out by getting him and now I have a friend in Canada I can go visit. It’s really nice when you can develop new friends in different areas of the country… it gives you an excuse and a getaway adventure full of purpose and contentment. I’ve also been seeing this girl that I started hanging out with last weekend and it’s been good so far. I’m intrigued to see how and where things go from here… we hung out and she stayed over three nights in a row this past weekend and early this week. We went to the Zoo on President’s day (which was free!) and had a good time. I couldn’t even remember the last time we went to the zoo so that was pretty cool… I saw an albino alligator. He didn’t move so I think maybe he was just a statue. Or a wax representation of what an albino alligator would look like, hahaha. I think the Orangutans were my favorite, that dude was pretty awesome. He was eating an orange and must have gotten orange juice all over his hand and like, started wiping it on the wooden planks and then started shaking it to dry it or get more of the juice off. He was hilarious. And he like, was just sitting there and would start to make everyone bored. So people would start to shuffle away and that’s when he would get up and start climbing on the ropes and doing all kinds of stuff then everyone would come back and watch him intently… and that’s when he would go back to the orange and just sit there and do nothing. That leads me to believe… or think about who is really in control of this situation? Are we the ones who have this amazingly beautiful and smart animal caged up and on display… or are we the idiots who stand around watching him to do something and he has us eating out of the palm of his hand?? He’s the one laughing at us like hey – I’m going to fuck with them today, hahahhaha. You know??
Well I have to get back to work because things are starting to pick up on this twenty-fifth year of mine.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I feel like I have so much to say and nothing to say at the same time. That there's so much that I want to be that I'm not and so much that I am that I don't want to be. The top image reminds me of a polaroid that one of Jack's buddies took while on the trip of their lifetime. The trip that defines a book like On the Road. That is a feeling. That is something that changes lives. It's something. I want something. I want that something. I want something that defines me. I don't know who I am sometimes. Maybe I know myself too well and don't like what I see. What do others see? All I know is what stares back at me in my mirror that speaks. Sometimes I like it and a lot of other times I don't. I've been listening to Iron & Wine's first album The Creek Drank the Cradle A LOT lately... like a lot. Like... I listened to it every night in the hotels going to sleep while on the road to Texas. Since then I've been throwing on the vinyl side A when going to sleep here. At work the songs will come on randomly because I have my iPod on random and one of the tracks will come on and my heart will just sink and I can't change it. It has become to define me. But anyway I'm getting off track. I am still trying to figure it all out. There's like so much that I want to be that I feel like I'm not... and I'm not sure if I'm on my way to that or not. It's a really difficult thing to accept and overcome and comprehend. Living is definitely difficult and being comfortable being yourself is most important. I want to be me and I want to find someone who wants to be with me.

The second image is another one I found on deviantart and it was entitled My French Girlfriend. She looks so comfortable and at home wherever she is and whoever she is. I think what struck me the most about this image was the title. I guess I was just a little envious. I wish I could post a beautiful image of a beautiful girl and say this is my French girlfriend. I want a French girlfriend. You know? Or better yet.. I want to find someone who I can really connect with and that just clicks. That person that you feel like you were always meant to find and when you do find them you wonder how you ever could do without them. I think about this person all the time and I have no idea where she is. It's one of those things that you can't rush, and you certainly can't go looking for it. So I continue to just be myself and do my own thing and let life take me where it wants to. The song Upward Over the Mountain which is track four on side A of this album and oh my god it just blows me away. It is absolutely so gorgeous and his sound is so amazing. His double tracking voice and harmonizing with himself. Then the slide acoustic guitar comes in with the doubled up guitar parts and stepping guitar part and it just blows me away. It makes me want to cry. Music sometimes makes me want to cry or scream or do something that is incredibly unique and crazy. It feels me with so much emotion that I have to let it out. Have you ever felt that way? I feel like sometimes there's so much going on inside me that I have to let it out somehow. And words can only go so far. It takes raw emotion and physical emotion to let stuff out like that. And sometimes I feel like I'm just going to burst because of all the stuff going on inside. Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to be what others want me to be. That's not really true but I just typed that so it must be somewhat true. I am myself but at the same time.... maybe I'm just trying to be what I want others to think I am. And it starts fucking with my head and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. So I put on a record and let it take me away....

I can't believe it is Wednesday, February 10th, 2010.

One week to my birthday.... Twenty-Five. I'm turning a quarter of a century. I never thought I'd see the day come. It seems so old... or it used to seem so old. But now I'm here and still swimming around in the same fish bowl. Just with more responsibility, and apparently smarter and more mature.

It's been about a week and a half that I've been living and working in Texas. It feels like much longer than that. Maybe three to four weeks. I've been getting more involved in projects and starting to feel productive. On top of that I've been learning so much about everything going on there it's crazy. It's great though. I feel like I'm really doing something. The people that I work with are great - and we all hang out. The area is pretty happening too. Houston is the fourth largest city in the Country so you can imagine there's trouble to get into. It's very spread out and I don't really like driving around too far - the highway structure and traffic is really annoying.

I have been thoroughly enjoying the Tex-Mex cuisine that is robust around here. I've had to take a break from it for a couple of meals because it lights up my heartburn and other things. It's been a very good experience thus far and I feel like it'll just keep getting better. Continue to learn and get face time with some important people that are around. I'm very grateful for the opportunity and excited for what will happen next. Everyone around the office plays the game "words with friends" that is an app on the iPhone. If you have an iPhone you should get this app and start a game with me - my name is BungoBill. If you do throw your name in the "chat" function and let me know that you got it from my blog.

I am going to continue to do my best and live for the day. Miss my friends. And listen to the tunes.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Houston, we have arrival.

I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was - I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen seconds.

I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost.

I was halfway across America,
at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future,
and maybe that's why it happened right there and then,
that strange red afternoon.

-This is an excerpt from On the Road by Jack Kerouac.

I've always wanted to read this book and very nicely my sister gave it to me my last day in Baltimore. I've been reading while on the road myself, how unique and uncoincidentally true. Anyway, this piece absolutely ringed true while I was laying in my new bed, in my new room, in my new apartment, in Houston, Texas. I can completely understand where he's coming from when he says these things; although from the context of where he was and what he was going through, is much different than the cross country road-trip I was just did with my dad. There wasn't extensive hitch-hiking, getting stuck in pouring rain on the edge of town with no money, no food, and no ride to the next town. We had a nice car, plenty of money, ate like champs, and most nights... except for one, a nice hotel to sleep in. But I digress, it's a great book so far and I look forward to diving more deeply into it now that I've reached my destination. I feel like I know what he's talking about when he talks of the dividing line of the east of is past and the west of his future. For everyone that knows me... has always been informed of the West Coast, and that it is my ultimate destination. Not really sure where, when or why, but it always been the ultimate goal and something I've been working towards my whole life. It's this urge to explore, try new things, and be open to everything; new experiences, new feelings - both good, bad, sad, and happy - it's these experiences that mold you as a person, and I want to bed one who has lived in different places, met local people, experienced what it is to be there. And so this moment in his life is a revelation - a new beginning which is absolutely scary and exciting at the same time. I feel like this might be my beginning to new adventures, new opportunities, and a broadening red horizon...

I'm hanging out in my new room listening to the new Vampire Weekend album
Contra, pictured above with yours truly, and reading... well I was reading but I read that part and thought, man that would be a great blog post to get me to start writing, so I read a few more pages and decided to take a break and throw on a slab of vinyl. Now I'm laying on my new bed, which isn't as comfortable as my own bed in Baltimore, but will absolutely definitely do. It's a good size room with moderate closet space and it's own bathroom!! Yes, I have my own bathroom. It's even got a shower, more closet space in it, and the other usual bathroom staples. It's really nice actually, and since I was the first one at the place, I got first dibs. The other one is nice because there is a lot of closet space, and a balcony off the room. Though the balcony has an excellent view of the parking lot.... and it does lead to the other bathroom, which is a shared and community bathroom. The place is very nice and I look forward to living here the next three months.

Three months. Like Jack said, sometimes you just get these out of character, out of head experiences. It's crazy sometimes how things end up, and I never really pictured this. But here we are. My dad is taking a nap at the moment but I believe we are delving into some BBQ for dinner. It's his last night in town and we are going to try and enjoy it as much as we can. It's very cold here at the moment, which is unfortunate, but will hopefully warm up soon. I heard we're supposed to get a lot of rain in the next week, which is another strange change of weather. The on going joke is we brought it with us from the Northeast. I've got some pics for you from New Orleans, which was awesome, that I will post sometime soon, (hopefully!).

I'm looking forward to getting to work and starting to feel comfortable in my new work surroundings. Getting grounded, with regiment and regular schedule. I've never really driven for extensive periods of time across the country so that was definitely a new experience. There is much to do around my new home and every kind of food you can imagine at your fingertips. Mongolian grills, french houses, tex-mex everywhere, steak houses, cajun boyou joints, BBQ, fried chicken and gravy, it's all here! I'm very happy and grateful at the moment... looking forward to exploring, meeting new folk, and as always of course continuing to learn, find out more about myself, and living...

Friday, January 22, 2010

Kaelte by musicandphotography

at the station by musicandphotography

Both of these images struck a chord with me when I first saw them. I first saw the one in color with the guy who definitely looks like he's Swedish or something. It is a captivating image and most times I have to tear my eyes apart from it because I get lost in so many different elements within it. First of all his scarf and hat are just gigantic and look incredibly warm - because it obviously is a very cold setting. The look he is giving into the camera is very striking to the core. You wonder what he's thinking about or what is so serious? The framing of the shot does an excellent job of centering him in focus with a very interesting background that is out of focus. The tracks on the left side of the frame lead your eyes back to him, as well as the lines from the lights at the top. This platform reminds me of some of the MTA subway stops in Astoria, Queens, and outter Brooklyn. There are a bunch of outdoor, raised platforms that are very cold during the Winter time and look a lot like this scene. The colors are just great too. Just an overall excellent image that I find a strong liking to.
The second image is one that I found pretty recently and reminds me of the first image of the guy. Both center a person among the happenings of a transportation depot. This one is in black and white with the center figure glowing like an angel. I think it represents visually very well something that I think about a lot when I'm in train stations, airports, etc. All these people going from one place to another, rushing around in such a hurry, only worrying about themselves... and why are we all rushing around so much? Why are you going from there to here? You can't help but look at those around you and wonder who they are, where they're going, and why. Sometimes it can be a pleasurable experience, but it can also be depressing or disheartening as well. I feel this image shows the latter really well. Surrounded by the hustle and bustle of people running around traveling around and you are there, just stuck, stuck on your feet without movement but so much running through your head. All these people around you who are not your friends and are too busy to give a damn, have a chat, or give you a smile... it can be quite an experience... and I think this image shows that very well.

There's a branch of vitality that has everything to do with death, with mortality and the absolute end of a simple existence. Without the understanding that there's no escape hatch when the lights start to dim and where the embalmer makes his bread, one is unfortunately disillusioned and cannot successfully live it up. Without embracing the fragility of life, the capacity to experience richness in life is lessened. Death legitimizes life, to some extent, and some of the most interesting thoughts come when death is broached and really examined with a fine-toothed comb. The thought of death is so suggestive of tragedy and such a languid supposition that it never really feels like it's breathing our air, but when it's put into the right contexts and those carpe diem birds start chirping as if they've just bathed in the mystic prowess of promised daybreak, death is as lovely and invigorating a concept as anything. It can be the same as a crisp autumn morning, maybe with exhalations coming out white, but still toasty only because thinking of death and one's eminent demise can force a person to truly get to living, as flowery as that may sound.

Philadelphia's Dr. Dog, five men with a healthy stake in both polarities -- life and death, show an exorbitance of life in their songs of throwback musicality and irreproachable three-part harmonies, but there are just as many instances of what's to come some day. Death is a valuable tool for making living sweeter, just as salt is used on tequila and limes are used with Coronas, and Dr. Dog - though they aren't real doctors - prescribe both ideas in large doses on We All Belong, the group's full-length follow-up to Easy Beat, a hazy snack of impeccable, sundried offerings that are rarely timorous, but instead exhibit so much hot-bloodedness that it's easy to discern that they choose life over lingering on what will be. There's a lot of old soul feeling to what they do, as if they were young men filled to the lashes with the spirits of thousands of mild-mannered grandfathers, who'd experienced all of the 50s and 60s as young men, with fires in the pits of their stomachs and unwrinkled skins. It's as if they're on both the front and back ends of lives - with the youthful swagger and exploratory gene as well as the realization that days are numbered and the time's ripe for reflection and kicking and screaming before kicking the bucket.

-Sean Moeller

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I saw this sign and thought it was really cool. I didn't know what Montmartre was so I decided to do a little research and put the puzzle pieces together. Montmartre is a hill in the north Paris in the 18th Arrondissement. Many artists had studios here in the surrounding town around the hill, which was based around the white-domed Basilica of the Sacre Coeur. Artists who worked around these communities include Salvadore Dali, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso and Vincent Van Gogh.

So this person, whoever made this, must have gone to this sacred area where there is or was an abundance of creative talents and ideas floating around town in search of something that they were missing. Have you ever had a place, a person, or something that you've always placed in high regards and always got something positive out of being a part of it? Then one day you go there or do something with them and it's not there anymore? It can be a devastating blow and can turn your world around. A reevaluation often comes shortly after this happens and new priorities or things are set. In the short term it sucks, but you know what? In the long run you will most often always appreciate whatever it was that happened and realize it became a benefit to you.

Sometimes you can't try so hard to make something work, or looking for something that you can't really look for.
You have to just let it happen.
Let it come to you.
That is something that I have come to realize over the past few days. I've also realized that I am comfortable and confident in my shoes in my work environment. I am miles ahead of where I was a few months ago or more. I think there are good things to happen in the future and I have made it through the darkest and most difficult time of the journey. Everyone has to put in their dues and start from the bottom. Don't get me wrong I am still closer to the bottom than I am to the top, or even the middle, but I have put in some time and am almost at my one year. I am already being given opportunities and hopefully increased responsibilities will follow. So here's to new adventures, new people, and a new city!

Oh and how random is the ate cheese part at the end of that? I love it, I mean, who doesn't like cheese? I don't think anyone.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I think one of the really neat things about art and music is its ability to transport your thoughts and mind to somewhere completely different from where you currently are. I get lost when looking at a photograph and start examining all the different attributes within it and how it makes me feel / what it makes me feel / why it makes me feel that way. I've found some amazing photographs on deviantart that have had an impact on me and I would like to share some of those with you as well as why I like them, what they make me think and feel. Since I'm not able to create my own photography right now (which I have a feeling would resemble the stylings I will slowly be showing you over the next few weeks) I am going to use some of these photographs from gifted photographers posting their beautiful work on deviant. I will be featuring their photographs and placing a link under each photograph where you can check out more of their work.

This one caught my eye for many reasons and was one of the first ones I saw by this particular artist. Actually what led me to finding a lot of these photographs was that I found one artist in particular that I just really liked the work she was doing. Probably many of the photographs I will be showing you are hers. For some reason for my first post I am not actually using one of hers but this one is one of her "favorites" from other artists that you can gather on the site; of course my favorites list actually has many of hers. Anyway, there's a lot going on in the this photo which is a gorgeous black & white. I get the feeling of a Saturday or Sunday afternoon downtown... grabbing some coffees, a biscotti, no rush. Nothing to do and nowhere to be, just time to enjoy the sights and sounds of the city, pleasant conversation, and watching all of the people strolling by on the street and coming in to grab some coffee. It's a cafe with street seating which I've always really enjoyed and you can see people hanging out at the cafe tables watching the people go by. It reminds me of a lot of cafes I walked by while getting from place to place in New York City. I was always in pursuit of one thing or another and never had the money to be able to relax and sit back and enjoy an afternoon of coffees and conversation. It are these thoughts, and feelings that are brought up by this photograph and make me want to take part in something like that. It really accents the buildings on the street and what's going on in the background, out there in the city. The silhouette masks the girl beautifully who is enjoying her coffee and spending time with friends.
It fills with me envy actually. I often wish I could enjoy the simple pleasure of meeting up with a friend / friends for coffee in the morning, downtown in the city.
Starting off the day with good conversation, laughing...

it allows you to keep perspective.
Take some deep breaths. Stay mellow and grounded.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

For Emma, Forever Ago

This is the album art for the first pressing of Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago. This album has reached a new status in my book, or should I say / iTunes library and recently acquired / Record Collection. The album is phenomenal and only sounds better on vinyl. It kind of came out of left field as I've had this record for some time and didn't give it much time or play. Through several different places (this one blog I read on a regular basis I see she listens to the album a lot, and also mentions it a lot as well. Also I really love the track Brackett WI by Bon Iver, which is on the Dark Was The Night compilation...) so I decided to revisit the album. And I am really glad I did. I started doing some research on the album and Just Vernon, who is Bon Iver, traveled to upstate Wisconsin to stay in a cabin and write the album in solitaire - and consequently recording it as well. This first pressing, which was recorded in the cold winter months of Wisconsin, was only supposed to be the original copy of the material and it was supposed to be re-recorded in a studio. Well it was so well received both by friends / family and listeners alike that they kept the same recording and re-released it with the new album art. Anyway I just wanted to mention that because it has definitely reached a new status for me and if you haven't given it the time it deserves to tickle your ear hairs, I suggest revisiting it.

It is a Tuesday, middle of the month. My last week at my current company for a while. I am started to get filled with this energy and enthusiasm that often lacks my normal life / day / work week. It is a feeling that takes me out of my current situation and lets me think and look at things differently. I can look at the whole picture rather than all of the little things that affect me in a daily basis. I am filled with encouragement and opportunity. Excitement and something to look forward to. That feeling of knowing you are going to experience new things, new places, new cities, sip new coffee, and talk to new people. Check out new restaurants, meet new people with accents, experience another style of life in a different part of the country. It is exciting to me at least and it is a breath of fresh air. I will definitely be sure to talk some more, as my life lately has been filled with tying up loose ends here and getting things together. To be honest, I haven't really gotten much together yet but all I really need is clothes, and my turntable and records (duhh). This has been something that seems like just a long time coming that was never actually going to come. Now it's here. I really hope it opens up some new doors. I have put in some time and now hopefully I can take some strides and start creating some opportunities, contacts, and new experience. If nothing else I will experience a different style of life in a new part of the country.

I will try to document and write when I can and take pictures of the roadtrip through Nashville, New Orleans, and wherever else we go! Lots of talk when I start there too.

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's lunch time on Friday, 12:54pm to be exact, the week after the holiday season. I'm listening to my iTunes and eating a healthy lunch. I've made a point to start eating a lot better and be conscious and actually care about what I'm eating / what it does for me. So right now I'm eating baby carrots and garlic hummus, and some pasta salad with vegetables [asparagus, cherry tomatoes, red onion, carrots, mushrooms, celery, feta cheese, whole wheat pasta] that I made earlier this week. Of course drinking it with water, no more soda. It's been going pretty well. It's nice to care about what you're eating and I don't know, it makes you feel better too. Now I just need to get onto a regular exercising schedule and I should be alright. I hope as my life transitions to TX I will be able to continue this path. Also no cigarettes either.

I've read a few things online about good things to eat and snack on, and also you know what's interesting? It said it's better to eat little things throughout the day than it is to eat a lot of things at 3 distinct times during the day. I remember I used to make fun of "grazers", as we used to call them, at the Clipper. I always thought it was worse for you because you'd be eating all the time. But as I'm learning a few choice decisions on what those few things are that you eat can do good things for you. The whole thing is because it keeps your metabolism in check and actively working instead of forcing a bunch of stuff at it at once and then dieing down again. So one of my smart snacks is going to be like baby carrots and hummus, and last night I made some almonds with a ginger roasted coated topping thing and have that with me at my desk, so if I get a little hungry I can have a few and be good. Drinking lots of water is important. Limiting alcohol intake is a big one too, that's one I need to be conscious of and choose wisely. I started drinking my coffee black which has been kind of an interesting adjustment. It's actually not that bad once you let yourself start to get into it. I love it actually. I just love coffee in general.
Outside of that I've been working at the bar a lot, which will be ending soon. I think my last day there is next Wednesday. I think I will be able to come back when I get back from my Maryland hiatus. I was at this bar earlier this week that has open turntable nights on Mondays. I was talking music and my vinyl collection with this guy and he wants me to spin on Monday nights. I've never done this before but it sounds intriguing...

I've been f-ing around with the borders, text background [light grey], and I designed a new header for this page. It's been really frustrating trying to design this page so that it looks good on all browsers but I think I've reached a point where I'm going to have to just settle with it. I changed it around so that it looks appropriate on Internet Explorer and looks OK on Google Chrome. It looks different on my MacBook [which is what I was always basing it on before]. How does it look for you? What do you think of the new header design? It was one of the first times where when I went into Photoshop to design something, that at the end I actually had a piece that mimicked what was in my head. Which was really nice. And also the goal of photography as well.

I shaved last night. Probably the first time I've shaved in a few months. It hurt a lot but I'm actually enjoying it at the moment. The one guy I work with said to me something about whether I was in the witness protection program or something. He's like, you're always changing - Beard - No beard - Glasses - No glasses. I've been like this for a while now and it got me thinking. Why do I do this? When did this start? I think it started the first time I shaved off my afro back Sophomore year in college. Hahaha it's so funny to think back on this event. Dude it was REALLY an event. My afro at the time was my life. It was who I was and I was getting rid of it. So when it happened I was like a completely new person, totally reborn. It changed everything for me... I felt different, people perceived me differently, or at least I felt the feeling that people perceived me differently which is what it's all about anyway, your own perception and how it makes you feel. So this was when it started. Then as time went on my beard grew in fuller and thicker and heavier and quicker so I was able to change that around at the same time. But why do I do it?? I don't know, is it a self-confidence issue / where I change because I don't like the way I look? I don't think so. I think it's just an outward expression of what it is that I'm feeling on the inside. That's closer to it I think. I think I just like change and whatever it is I'm thinking at the time or how I'm feeling is what I'll wear / do / look like.
I think another influence has been John Lennon as well.

One of the coolest things that I like about John is that he changed his appearance all the time as well. Long hair - short hair - glasses - no glasses - beard - no beard - different styles of facial hair and length.
I think it's cool and I feel like it's also a reflection of one's personality too. If you're an open person and whatever; I don't know, maybe that's not exactly right. But I feel like it's someone who isn't hung up on anything. Doesn't take too much stock into a certain type of personality trait / or appearance trait / or trate, or something like that.
I just got distracted with a work related thing and totally lost track of thought and where I was going / what I was saying. I should finish up my pasta and get back to it anyway.