Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Right Moves

I am at the local coffee house in Baltimore right now. When I used to live here I always wanted to come down and hang out, grab a coffee, and catch up on reading, exploring, and writing on the interwebs. For some reason I never did. I don't know why. I always stayed at the desk in my room and just thought about going down and doing that. Now that I am no longer a Maryland resident I am down here hanging out. I have an iced coffee, music playing in my ears (DRA) and have been catching up on some work emails and reading.

It's weird to be back for the first time in almost four months. It's all still here it's just that I am not. There are a lot of things that I really dig about this place and that I will miss. I think it will be good and will be a nice place to come visit when I am traveling. It's interesting how cities can differ so much in what's going on, what kind of people live there, and the feeling you get when you are there. Houston and Baltimore are two very different cities. Each have an appeal that I like, each one lacking things that I want in my life too. I still don't know what I want, where I belong. Who I belong with? I don't know, I am just starting the next chapter of this weird crazy life and hoping for the best. I'm starting to get a little nervous on how this chapter will write itself. Because I don't know. I feel like I am just here for the ride and taking one step at a time. The south is different and I like that. I strive for a lot of
difference in my life. I feel like I'm always trying to be different, doing things differently, trying to be retro or interesting. Is it still cool if it's a conscious decision to be that way? I was reading Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and he said something interesting that made me question myself... he said he hates when people describe themselves as "artsy" or "creative" because then they are just trying to personify something that is just the way people are. The people who really are artsy or creative don't say that about themselves... they just are. And I have to admit I like to think of myself as a creative person... am I just a fake? I don't know, maybe a little bit. I still do it though.

I find things that I like and I stick to them. I really enjoy being on my own. I love my family very much but I'm 25 and ready to explore. Find out where I belong and what I'm supposed to be doing. I need to meet new people and try new things, I have this passion for putting myself out there to it. It doesn't scare me. It excites me... and I want to keep doing it. I have many friends that have come and gone in my life, there are too many to count that have faded into memories of past fun, and that's all. It's just a fact of life and I can embrace that. I guess the difficult ones are the ones that you still see, or want to see, or try to see, and it's just
different. What can you do? nothing. You just gotta live. I question myself a lot I think. I feel like on one hand I'm very proud of myself and have self confidence but on the other I worry about what people think, if they think I'm doing a good job, and then it makes me question myself and my actions. Like right now, I worry about the people at work and if they think I'm doing my job well, if I make the right decisions and communicate properly, if they are looking to push me out or hate working with me. I mean, if they did they would say something right? I don't know. I've noticed there is a lot of people around that like to talk, and I don't want to be the one being talked about. It worries me, you know? I have this overwhelming desire to be liked, and respected for the person I am and the kind of work I do... I want to make it count. And right now, being away from the office for a whole week, I feel like I am way out of it and disconnected. Everything goes on like it did before. Whether I am there or not. So, I don't know why, it makes me question myself. I've just had a flood of interesting feelings lately since I've come back to the Northeast for the first time in a while. I spent a few days in Pennsylvania at my parents house where I grew up, and the smells and surroundings just fill me up with all of these crazy feelings and emotions. It's not bad, just interesting. I don't want my family to think I am abandoning them by moving to Texas, and I think they understand. I'm not not looking back... it's just a new chapter and they know that. I just am ready to start living my life, it's happening. It's always happening all around us. I think there are some people that need to make sure they have their priorities in order and understand that we are here to enjoy each other's company while we're here, while we're alive, because we're only here for a short period, so lets enjoy and not worry about petty things.

I think that this is going to be a good turn. I think that I will become more of myself than I ever have before. I will be able to discover the thing that I've been wanting.. and that is to be my own person and the best one at that. To figure it out... to understand what
it is, and who I am. This all sounds like deep stuff but we think about it every day. At least I do, most people probably don't though. If you are reading this then I'd like you to. Take a step back and think about what it's all about, and maybe it will make you do some things differently.

I remember when, when I first moved here,
a long time ago,
´cause I heard some song I used to hear back then,
a long time ago.
I remember when, even further back,
in another town,
´cause I saw something written I used to say back then,
hard to comprehend.

And the question is, was I more alive
then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree;
I laugh more often now, i cry more often now,
I am more me.

Life has a certain ability of breathing new
life into me,
so I breathe it in.
It says here we are, and we all are here,
and you still can make sense,
if you just show up and present an honest face,
instead of that grin.

And the other day, this new friend of mine
said something to me
"just because something starts differently,
doesn't mean it's worth less."
and I soaked it in, how I soaked it in,
how I soaked it in
and just as to prove how right he was,
then you came.
so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try,
so I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give,
I'm gonna give you a try.
..

No comments: